Top Ten Things...

My coworkers say about me behind my back.

10. For someone who is a programmer and should be typing, he seems to spend a lot of time just stairing blankly at his monitor.

9. Is he making fun of me?

8. He's 32 years old. Someone needs to tell him to get a haircut.

7. If that Nerf basketball lands on my desk one more time...

6. If a rubber band hits me in the face one more time...

5. The music he listens to sucks and when I complain he just ignores me.

4. I hate it when he says "Curse you" instead of "Bless you" or "Die" instead of "Bye"

3. Alright! We GET it! You LOVE going riding in West Virginia every year. Jeesh.

2. Does he purposely leave bugs in the software?

1. That free iPod should have been MINE!

Kip Journal 2/12/1999

Kip has been at the VPN meeting all morning. Poor John, there is no escaping that teletubbie lice ridden face.

Kip was complaining what a busy morning he had. First training, then hanging around anwering a couple of calls. Oh what a tough day he has had wheeew.

Kip's idea of taking calls is talking to his wife. If I hear "I wuv u" or "sweet" one more time, I'm going to tie him to the back of my bumper and drive home like the dog on the movie Vacation.

At Kip's college they could smoke in the classrooms and they didn't care as long as you didn't put your butts out on the floor.

I believe Kip achieves a sexual high everytime he says "recompile the kernel".

Please No More Billy Idol!

"You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice" - Marge Simpson

"You know, WFNX turned into an 80's and 90's hard rock station so gradually, I didn't even notice" - Gagknee

Admittedly I don't listen to that radio station much anymore because the stereo in my truck can play a CD of MP3s or ye olde iPod can be plugged into it also, so maybe I have just been unlucky with the DJs that have been on the air at those times. But it seems to me that they have been playing a lot of crap lately. Stuff you could hear on WHEB if you were so inclined. I started listening to WFNX 3 or 4 years ago during my commutes to Manchester when Greg and the Morning Buttheads almost drove me to suicide. FNX was great because it was different, and it probably still is, just not when I am listening to it anymore.

If I was a DJ at FNX my rule of thumb for picking out my songs for the day would be, "Would this be played on WHEB?" or WWGD (What Would Greg Do) and then do the exact opposite.

Hmmm, should I play Alive by Pearl Jam? What would Greg do?

What was that again?

Raspberry Lemonade. Guaranteed not to make you vomit or tell all your friends they haven't lived until they've tried it. Enjoyable yet forgettable. Tasty yet boring. Sweet but tart. A drink of contrasts. Smack dab in the middle of the pack. It wasn't bad and it wasn't good. I might drink it again and then again I might not.

Bikes from Around the World

If you are like me kill yourself, I mean, you probably wish that some of the cars, trucks and motorcycles that they sell in other countries were available here, in the United States. Reading a motorcycle magazine the other day, there was an article about a Europe-only motorcycle by Yamaha. I got annoyed because it looked like a great bike and I would consider buying it.

The first bike I would like to show you, and the one I just mentioned from Yamaha, is the MT-01. It is available in the UK but not in the US. Probably because it's a large displacement single cylinder and they don't think Americans would like that. Maybe cynicism is getting the best of me and they will eventually release it here.




Yamaha also makes a naked version of the FZ6 available in the UK. I'd be all over that and honestly can't think of any reason why it isn't available stateside. Naked bikes are pretty popular these days.






Also from Yamaha in Japan, the SR400 and XJR400R. I would love something like this. Price it at around 4 or 5 grand and you have a winner in my book. Americans don't seem to go for anything less than a 600 anymore which is too bad. These things will go over a hundred miles an hour. That's enough for me. The SR400 looks like the old XS series straight out of 1978 and its interesting to note that the XJR has dual rear shocks which is uncommon on anything but cruisers nowadays.

Suzuki only has one model of note available in other countries, the GSR600. As you can see in the picture it is an absolute stunning piece of machinery. They also make a 400cc version in Japan. I'd buy that too. I guess that makes two models. I stand corrected.






Honda makes the CBF500 which can be had in the UK. Again, set the price at 5 grand (actually it's a Honda so they would charge 6 grand) and ship it over here. I'd buy one and I can't be the only one or maybe I can. Who knows. You might think it looks like the 599 but you are wrong, the Hornet is Britain's 599.




Honda of Japan makes many models not available anywhere else. Take a look at this selection:

CB400
CB750
Hornet 250 which is a 599 with half the motor
VTR 250
And the little bike with the big name the Ape 100

Kawasaki doesn't appear to make any models that aren't available in the U.S. I don't know if this is because they have no imagination or they have a tremendous commitment to providing their consumers with all of the available cutting edge technology. Probably neither. They just don't make as many models as the other companies.

They do make a couple of retro Triumph copies, the W650 and W400, but technically those don't count because the W650 was actually available in the U.S. for a few years. They are pretty cool, but for my money I would just go buy a Triumph Bonneville instead.

Ew.

Here I sit on my couch, job hunting, resume polishing and generally concentrating really hard, when I am interruped by Lurleen screaming over and over and over and over again in the throes of passion.

Close the windows!

Hey, I am all for male/female "interaction" but imagining the unbathed human slip and slide across the street, well, to quote my friend Rob, I'm gonna have to slaughter a pig to get that image out of my head.

Ahh, Lurleen, I really will miss the many moments of entertainment you have provided me this year. Not enough to stay here though, but like the antics of a crazy drunk uncle at family gatherings, at least the memories will last forever.

Not Ginger Grant or Ginger Rogers

Have you ever asked yourself what the difference between Ginger Beer and Ginger Ale is? I have. In fact, Saturday I became obsessed with knowing the difference. After the completion of the Red Sox game, I raided my piggy bank and raised enough funds to buy two Ginger Beers and one Golden Ginger Ale, the 2nd Ginger Beer for the longsuffering missus. After purchasing my soda, the temptation to open a bottle before getting home was strong, but resist I did.

There is a difference between Ginger Beer and Ginger Ale. It may be too subtle for some people, but let me state the difference as simply as possible: Ginger Ale does not suck, Ginger Beer does suck.

The first sip of Ginger Beer was crisp and refreshing. Mmmm. Two seconds later, though, all hell broke loose in my throat. The stuff buuurned. It was spicy and hot and tasted like a teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper. About halfway through the bottle my lips started to tingle and go numb. I swished around a mouthful just to be silly and the vapors went straight up my nose like too much hot mustard on my porked fried rice. What is this craziness!? Never again, my friends, never again. Ginger Beer will be firmly placed at the bottom of the rankings list never to be seen again. Oh, and in case you were wondering, my wife didn't like it either but she did manage to drink her whole bottle. I was impressed.

The Golden Ginger Ale was good. Its much more flavorful than your average ginger ale, which I liked a lot. There will definitely be more of these consumed by me in the future.

Squamscot also makes a Pale Dry Ginger Ale. I am saving this for last though because I already know it will be among my favorites. There's also the unfortunate matter of the diet sodas that I will inevitably have to drink. It's a shame to waste a buck nineteen on diet root beer, but I suppose its for science and sacrifices must be made.

Hey Lady Put that Thing Away

So I am standing in the lobby of my church Sunday after service. My wife is over talking to some people and I am casually watching my two youngest run around, screaming and chasing each other. Someone else's child, around 2 I would guess, comes running towards me. I did not know the child or the woman coming after him, so I guess they were just visiting or in town for the wedding that happened yesterday.

The woman comes running over bent at the waist attempting to catch the elusive child. She's kind bouncing around in her efforts and her left breast pops right out of her dress. Everything. All of it. There. In front of me.

She stood up after catching the child in the crook of her right arm and actually took a few steps before realizing she was um, on display, and yanked everything back in.

More Squam, Scott

The Squamscot website describes this soda as "a wonderful blend of lemon and grapefruit creating a thirst quenching drink." That sounds good, but grapefruit I do not like. Despise it really. Pretty much anything that is edible, I will eat, but not the vile fruit with the word "grape" deceptively placed in its name. So the reason why I tried Half and Half was to get it out of the way. Be done with it. To end the taunting and teasing, the self doubt and lack of confidence this evil concoction was placing upon me. To prove my courage, two were bought. To be drunk in succession.

A funny thing happened though. I liked it. Loved it really. I would buy it again even. Recommend it to my friends and scream from the mountaintops how delicious and refreshing and thirst quenching it is. I want one right now.

Not So in Love with Buicks Today

My brother is borrowing my truck today so I have his young lady friend's Buick Skylark. It has power windows and this morning I had to go to the bank first thing and make a deposit. At 8 am, however, only the drive-thru is open.

Can you see where this is going? The drivers window went down about an inch and then stopped. Ugh. So I pulled forward a couple of feet, put the seat all the way back and reclined it and did my transaction through the back window. A little embarassing yes, but funny nonetheless.

Officewood

My wife and I just finished watching Season 1 of Deadwood. Actually, it was my 2nd time watching the first season and I was successful in getting her hooked, so watching it twice was worth it. Now, we can proceed to season 2. A lot of people don't like Westerns, but for many movies or shows in that genre you need to put aside your prejudices against cowboy hats and saloons and six shooters and just appreciate the story. Deadwood is an excellent show and I would recommend it to anyone with one warning: The language is filthy. The language is filthy. The language is filthy. So don't go rent Season 1 and sit down on the couch with your children and your mother and your MIL and your MIL's best friend and the pastor of your church and the sweet little old lady from down the street thinking you are going to get a modern day version of High Noon because you are not. You have been fairly warned.

The Office (Original British Version) arrived from NetFlix yesterday too. Wow. It's good. I can't believe I waited this long to watch it. I'm not going to make any comparisons or judgements as to which version is better, except that I think the OBV (Original British Version) is perhaps more realistic, the characters that is, and the NAV (New American Version) is more cartoonish and over the top.

Dreamy Creamy Orange

Oh man oh man. This flavor of Squamscot soda is amazing. I know I said that I was going to try the Maple Cream, but I grabbed a bottle of this on a whim. It's just like a creamsicle. Not being one to overdramatize a drink like a wine connoisseur (I know, wine is a little bit more complex than soda), but the two flavors were very distinct as if they didn't mix together well. I could swish around a mouthful and feel the difference between the heavier cream syrup and the lighter orange syrup. The vanilla flavor would linger for a second or two after swallowing this divine mixture.

Ok. I'm done. Enough of that. I liked the creamy orange. When I've tried all the flavors and rank them all, don't be surprised if creamy orange is in the top 3.

Stories from the List: Number 9

Number 9

It was late spring. I was 17 (almost 18) and soon to be graduating from high school. Just finishing a baseball game at the Pines on top of the hill in Somersworth, I was angry because our coach, affectionately called The Troll, had not put me in the game. At all.

I sped out of my parking space in my Ford Tempo and headed down Rochester St. at a good pace. Rolling through the stop sign at the intersection of Maple St., I took a left, and proceeded to accelerate, probably hitting 60 mph at the most.

Again I rolled through a stop sign, this time at the intersection of Maple St. and West High St. and continued on Maple. This is where the story gets interesting and where I decided to find out how fast the Tempo could go.

At about the time I passed the first cemetery on that road, I reached the maximum amount of speed that I could go without flipping the car in a corner. Slowing down to legal speeds I had just passed Maplewood school when I saw the blue lights a flashin' in my rear view.

The officer wasted no time. He immediately came right up to my car and told me to get out because I was under arrest. Oops.

So there I was with my hands on the trunk lid and my feet spread getting patted down in full baseball uniform, cleats and all, while a whole procession of people who had been at the game, including the coach, drove by. I was pretty popular at school the next day. Probably not for the best reasons though. I knew how to end a school year with a bang though. The previous year around the same time I had hit a telephone pole.

I would love to get a copy of my mug shot.

Oh, and how fast do you think the cop got me doing on that short stretch of Maple St.? 81. In a 30. So stupid.

He had been behind me since I left the park, so I got hit with 2 stop sign violations, almost going triple the limit, and disobeying a police officer. There might have been a driving to endanger in there too, I don't remember.

My lawyer got the disobeying charge dropped. Basically I ended up paying about $400 in fines and losing my license for 3 months. Not bad considering.

Waxing Philosophic

Sometimes in life its not what you know how to do, but what you know not to do.

For example, yesterday I made a booboo at work. I now know never to change the way users authenticate (um, login) in the middle of the day on the last day of school (we make software for schools). In my mind knowing not to do that again is way more valuable than knowing several different methods for authenticating them.

Squamlog

For keeping track of which ones I've tried. If Blogger had categories I wouldn't have to do this...

Squamscot Soda Update

I had the black cherry flavor yesterday. Now this isn't like Cherry Coke where some cherry flavoring is added to cola. This is black cherry soda, like orange soda is, um, orange soda. It truly was delicious. However that much cherry flavor began to remind me of cough syrup about halfway through the bottle. People with a penchant for non-medical use of Robitussin DM will think they've died and gone to heaven. For me though, I just find it tasty. Never will I drink two back to back, but I could enjoy it ice cold on occasion.

I also purchased the Maple Cream flavor for my wife. As I only took a few sips, I cannot ethically comment on it further, but man, those few sips were AWESOME. She liked it a lot, that much is true. Stay tuned for a review of Maple Cream in a few days.

A Little Insurance

I just downloaded this entire blog using HTTrack Website Copier, in case Blogger crashes bad and I lose everything or I decide to go use a different service. It worked pretty well and only took an hour and a half over my dial-up connection.

Mother-in-Lawgic

A Blog = MySpace = Evil, therefore A Blog is Evil.

Am I Insane?

Have you ever felt like you are going crazy? When these flowers bloomed last week, I could have sworn they were supposed to be orange tiger lilies. All spring I couldn't wait until the tiger lilies bloomed. Then they came up as purple krokuses (I think thats what they are). I could have sworn they were orange. These flowers were not planted by me either. They've been there since before we moved in 7 years ago.

I mentioned to my wife how silly I was for thinking they were orange and SHE thought they used to be orange too! Can flowers change colors and species? Maybe one of my neighbors swapped them out one night in early spring right when the ground thawed. That must be what happened because they were orange before. I know they were.

New Goal in Life

Life is messy and complicated. Goals you have set for yourself may have become seemingly out of reach and unattainable resulting in depression or despondency. Therefore, I have set a new easy goal for myself this summer designed to lift my spirits and bring minutes of joy to my heart.

I decided upon this goal yesterday as I was returning from Landry's Junk Yard, excuse me, Auto Salvage, after getting a part for my wife's van. Deep in thought trying to figure out why my truck won't idle and shuts off at every stop light if I dont keep my foot on the pedal, I did just that, forgot to keep my foot on the pedal and stalled it turning onto Rte 9. I pulled into Calef's and decided to get myself a couple of Squamscot sodas.

Once inside while staring at the diverse selection of flavors I decided that I was going to try every flavor they make over the course of the summer. This is my goal. Should be pretty simple and easily attainable. Unless Calef's burns down or Squamscot goes out of business.

So, with what flavors did I choose to begin my summer quest? Birch Beer and Grape.

I hate birch beer. It tastes like wintergreen. I hate wintergreen. But thats okay. Perseverance is part of reaching any goal. It builds character.

The grape soda was delicious. I could have drank two.

Stay tuned...next up is Black Cherry.

bizzy

I have been so bizzy at work lately (this post was originally intended for Tuesday) that I haven't been able to post much lately. I used to do posting during server downtime or when compiling something or copying a bunch of files or when I was in a meeting or eating lunch, but now I've been using that time to complete other tasks. Plus, I have been training a new programmer we hired here.

A couple of weeks ago we had this realignment amongst our small group of IT/Programming type people. Our boss was reassigned to his own special project and
each of us was then assigned to our own new boss based on what the bulk of our work entailed. So, 5 programmers and 5 bosses. Actually 6, including these bosses boss. And any of these bosses can now tell any one of us what to do now, because they don't
have to go through our old ONE boss to get to us. Kinda sounds like Office Space.

Anyway, I told you all that for a purpose.

We have a new programmer. She seems pretty bright, which led me to exclaim to my boss that I am tired of them hiring people who are smarter than me. She is a Visual Basic programmer. She programs using Visual Basic. They decided to give her this ASP.NET project that I kinda do on the side.

She does not know ASP or ASP.NET or even HTML for that matter. And they told her she has two months to get the project done. Thats what happens when a salesman hires a programmer.

Back to Work

I am back at work today after taking two days off because my wife had surgery (she's doing fine). Being a stay at home mom is hectic, which I already knew, but I know my boss is going to come and ask me how much work I was able to get done at home. I can't decide whether to answer him incredulously or indignantly. Maybe indignantly incredulous. Perhaps just a simple "no" will suffice.

Attack

The cat killed two birds this morning. One of which he managed to sneak into the house while it was still alive and start to mutilate in my living room. I picked it up and tossed it outside before there was any blood, all the while fearing he would attack me, but I still had a nice mess of feathers to vacuum up.

Fabulous Movie Review

Waiting...

Wow. I guess you could call this movie funny. I guess I could call you retarded too. It's all in your perspective.

Waiting... is funny at times. Waiting... also attempts to be funny a lot and just isn't. Don't believe the hype. It is not as good as Office Space and it certainly can't compare to Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.

Maybe I'm just getting old, but genitalia just isn't as funny to me as it used to be. And actually, I feel a little dumber after watching this movie. Like my status as Smartest of the Dumb Guys^® is in jeopardy. My whole army of dullards and dimwits is going to revolt. I may need to take javascript off my resume too as I can't seem to remember any of it. Oh well. The world is a much better place without javascript anyway.

2 1/2 stars out of 5

Dead Animals

My sneakers have been so wet for so long because of all this rain, they now smell like I have a couple of dead animals strapped to my feet. Repeated cycles in the washing machine have not done any good either. I may have a case of the Jungle Rot, too.

The Birthday Party

My wife was forced to go to Lurleen's daughters first birthday on Sunday. I couldn't because I had softball practice. I offered to stay with her, but she isn't the kind of woman who would do that.

I was a little disappointed though, because I really did want to see the inside of their trailer, and see what kind of people would show up. Most of what she told me wouldn't translate well to blog form, but I do have a couple of tidbits.

While getting the tour of house, she noticed their bathtub didn't have a shower curtain. Thinking that kind of odd, she asked how they keep the water from getting all over the floor. They don't take showers, just baths, was the reply.

There was also a woman there with three kids, the youngest, 2 1/2 years old, was being breast fed when my wife arrived. The middle child my wife actually mistook for a girl. He had long long blond hair, he was wearing paisley capris with fringe at the cuffs, and he was named after a constellation.

Lurleen Crush Update

The other day I went out to my truck to get something and Lurleen was on her porch smoking and her daughter was playing in the dirt. I said, "Hi", because I am a friendly guy and then went back into the house. Actually, to our back porch where I was playing with my kids.

It wasn't even 2 minutes later Lurleen showed up at our door. Her excuse? Her baby really wanted to see me. Ooo. Now that is just creepy.

She sat down next to me on the steps. My wife was sitting across the room, and I shot her a look of absolute panic. Like the look Olive Oyl had in The Shining when Jack smashed through the door.

Luckily, she had recently bathed. I was very careful not to look into her eyes and ignore most everything she said. She probably thinks I am shy. Little does she know I find her repulsive.

Yesterday she was at our house when I got home from work. Wearing short shorts no less. Ew.

VeeDub is Boring

I know many people are fans of VeeDub and have expressed concern that I don't post enough about her. Ok. Nobody has. But the fact of the matter is that she is boring. This email exchange between Evil One and I kinda sums it up:

--------------------------------------
From: Evil One
Sent: Thursday, June 01, 2006 10:46 AM
To: Max Power
Subject: RE:

Vegan...blah blah blah...dogs...blah blah blah...death metal...blah blah blah...peed on my bed...blah blah blah...have any animal bi-products in it...blah blah blah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Max Power
Sent: Thursday, June 01, 2006 10:34 AM
To: Evil One
Subject:

Vegan bores me. Its really just the same old crap that she repeats over and over again.

French Fried Heaven

Wednesday was my birthday. Usually, on my birthday, at least the past few years I stayed home and cooked myself something good on the grill, usually lamb or fish, and had a few Pilsner Urquells.

This year I decided to go out. My wife and I went to Kelley's Row in Dover. I hadn't been in a few years. The last time I went the upstairs had pool tables and now its a restaurant.

We each had some beef on bread with cheese and it was delicious, but what really impressed me were the FRIES. They could possibly be the best french fries I have ever had. Guys, you know what its like when you are driving down a road and you go over a hump or small hill in the road and you get that weird feeling in your nether regions? That's what these french fries did to me. Every bite.

First Idiot Sitting

Yeah, my title is stupid. Get over it.

Anybody watch Last Comic Standing last night? I did and the 5 people they picked to move into "the house" are not the 5 that I would have picked (well two of them I would have) but whatever, it was and will continue to be funny.

One of the comics has cerebral palsy and he was easily the funniest comic of the night. After telling a few jokes and getting the audience laughing, he delivered his best line, "I hope you all know you are going to hell for laughing at me."

Some of you are going to label me a misogynist or a homophobe, but there are two kinds of comics that I generally don't like, women and gays. Whoa, whoa, whoa calm down. This is strictly related to the funnyness quotient^®.

Women comics only talk about three things, their periods, how much they hate their boyfriends, and how much they hate their fathers. However, I will say when the rare female comic breaks out of this mold, she can be quite funny. There was one last night who I thought was really funny. Her routine was all about her father. Not how much she hated him, but just the funny things that old school dad's say. Unfortunately, she did not make it to "the house".

Gay comics only joke about one thing, homophobes. That's it. Gee, you are so funny. I can't wait to catch you on Ellen.

Die, Little Bear, Die

From a children's cartoon that I loathe, Little Bear:

Whether the weather be cold,
Or whether the weather be hot,
We'll weather the weather,
Whatever the weather,
Whether we like it or not

Screw you, Little Bear, I am sick of weathering this weather. This Old England weather we have been having in New England the past few years during our summer months sucks. Summers should be HOT and winters should be COLD. I want drought, famine and maybe a little bit of pestilence (anybody remember in the early 80s when gypsy moth caterpillars wiped out every last bit of vegetation?). When I go outside I want my hair to become instantly saturated with sweat. I want the air to be so thick with humidity that I can drink it. I want the soles of my shoes to melt when I walk on pavement.

It's June 7 and we slept with the windows closed last night. The furnace turned on in the middle of the night and I got up and turned it off. Summer is supposed to be a time of conserving your oil. A time when the oil man gives you a season of rest from bending over for him.

We now get one summer month a year. July. The rest of the year is cold, wet and miserable.

Save it for later

Things I was going to say to my bank if they continued to refuse to refund the low balance and overdraft fees resulting from them screwing up my direct deposit:

Don't make me take my hundreds of dollars elsewhere

Do you know how much money in low balance fees you are going to lose?

Black Hunter, White Heart

As promised, video footage of Papi kills Dale. Just to warn those of you on slow connections, the file size is 14 mb. Just to warn those of you who are squeamish, there is no blood or actual death in this video.

Fabulous Movie Review

The Ice Harvest
Another freebee from the library. Neither my wife nor I had ever heard of it. Gee, I wonder why. It stinks. Whenever it says on the case of a movie "From the creators of..." and its a movie that you liked, put it down and run run run.

I should give it 1.75 stars but because it told me it was by the creators of Groundhog Day, I am going to bump it down to 1 star of out 5. You can't pull that kind of crap. Its not right.

So long, screwy, see you in St. Louis!

Known as Bretney, the Bretrosexual or for a brief time Rebretta, he was relieved of his duties at my company on Friday. Here's to you, little man, for providing me and countless others many moments of entertainment and laughs at your expense.

Kip Journal 2/11/1999

Kip wants to "shoot some stick" tonight with Jared. Whatever that means.

Jared says that "shoot some stick" means "play pool" in Kip-esque supercool vernacular.

(in his head) "I'll repeat whatever Jared or Andy says so that they will think I am cool and will think that I know what I am talking about." (out loud) "Yeah, Dickey Betts is the man," (and in his head), "Oooh, cool I think its working!"

A Lesson in Kip-speak

suds = beer Ex. Hey Jared are we going to jam and drink suds tomorrow?
jam = play guitar Ex. See above
pooched = down Ex. The server is pooched
shoot some stick = play pool Ex. Hey Jared are we going to shoot some stick"

I have been very successful in creating the illusion that the nickname Kip is something we call Rob 2, when in fact we all know the truth. I cannot express enough how much fun it is to say out loud during a normal working day, "Man, Kip's such an idiot!"

Fabulous Movie Review

Good Night, and Good Luck
The acting was good, the cinematography was good, the story was good without being preachy or propogandistic (I know, I know George Clooney would never do that...), so how come I could not wait for this movie to end? I don't know. When I think back on it, I liked it, but while watching it I was bored. Perhaps I wasn't in the mood.

I feel like it should get 3 1/2 stars out of 5.

Ooo What Luck

Found the list in my yahoo mail account. From Aug 21, 1998.

Top Ten Reasons Why My MIL is Wacked

10. She lives in a dirty old trailer, that hasn't been cleaned in 10
years, and never lets anybody inside it.
9. She snoops thru our stuff
8. She takes naps in our bed
7. Says, I'm sorry, incessantly but doesn't mean it
6. Lives on a diet of cup o'noodles, whoppers, and bacon, and wonders
why she has heart disease and high blood pressure
5. Hangs around, and around and around and around, and NEVER FREAKIN LEAVES
4. Wont buy a house because of the Year 2000 problem
3. When she tells my wife hints on how to control and manipulate me, she
is dumb enough to believe my wife doesn't tell me what she says.
2. Everytime she enters my house, she automatically closes the shower
curtain and turns the light above the sink off
1. Not-for-your-heart dogs!*

*I should clarify this one. The Dairy Delite in Berwick, ME use to serve hot dogs with cheese and bacon, I dubbed them not-for-your-heart dogs.

I'm Still A Sucker

This house is back on the market, and 20 grand cheaper. Although, they've clearcut the property around it most likely in preparation for a new housing development.

I never did sneak back in to get better photos of the master bedroom. Perhaps this weekend.

Stories from the List: Number 1

1. Wash dishes at a restaurant or old folks home

My very first job was a dietary aide in a nursing home. This involved delivering the carts of food to the nurses at mealtimes and then washing all of the trays and dishes afterwards.

This job sucked for a variety of reasons. The really cranky cooks. Smelling like disgusting food. The crazy patients who would chase you and talk to you unintelligbly. I was eventually fired after a year and a half. The reason? I wore jeans one Sunday, ironically the cook who tattled on me was also wearing jeans that same day, and a nurse asked me for a piece of bread to give to a resident and I didn't give it to her on a plate.

The summer after I graduated high school I worked at Strafford Farms. The free lunch was cool and all the soda you could drink was a nice bonus too. This job wasn't too bad, except that it didn't pay well and again, the cooks were very cranky.

I remember one day after I had been there about a week one of the cooks came over to the dishwashing area carrying two pans. He was swearing and yelling at me and waving the pans. Apparently, I had ruined the teflon coating by scrubbing the pans with a brillo pad. All I said to him was, "Dude. It wasn't in the training program."

Ears Clicked

My daughter got her ears pierced or "clicked" as she says. My MIL is MAAAD. Haha. I love it.

You can have any opinion you want on whether babies or 3 year old girls or 18 year old teenagers shouldn't get their ears pierced, but if your opinion is that it is against the Bible to harm your body while you are a glutton with heart disease who can put down 4 plates of assorted cured pig meats at a buffet, then I am sorry but your opinion does not matter to me one bit.

What if I got a tattoo? She'd probably kidnap my wife and force her to sign divorce papers Jack Bauer-style.

A long long time ago I wrote and circulated an email titled "Top Ten Reasons why My MIL is Whacked". One of the reasons in that list was something to the effect of "She tells my wife things about me and is dumb enough to think that my wife doesn't tell me those things." If I rewrote that list today, I would change that to "She tells my son things about my wife and I and is dumb enough to think that my son doesn't tell us those things." Thanks Tommy. Just remember, your loyalty is to us first.