Disturbing Mental Image

Lurleen at the beach in a bikini self-described as "the thinnest woman at the beach in a bikini." Ew.

Dance Fever

You're kidding, right? This sounds like an episode of Seinfeld.

Benji Schwimmer chuckles every time the judges on the hit reality show "So You Think You Can Dance" say performers are dancing for their lives.

While on a mission to Mexico for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Schwimmer said, gang members threatened to kill him and his companion. Instead of panicking, Schwimmer prayed and then struck a deal. He devised an impromptu dance-off with the gang leader: If Schwimmer won, he and his companion could walk away.

"I played it all innocent. The guy started dancing, and then I walked up, took off my backpack full of Books of Mormon, and started dancing," he said in a phone interview from Los Angeles. "To make a long story short, afterward he asked me if I could teach him to dance."

The full article courtesy of the Salt Lake Tribune.

Movie/TV Review Catch Up Post

I am behind in my movie "reviews", although I haven't really watched much lately. Mostly just TV on DVD.

I recently got my wife into Deadwood. She got hooked about episode 3 in Season 1. Now we are in the process of watching Season 2. First of all let me say that Season 1 of Deadwood might just be the greatest TV drama I have ever seen, which makes me sad to say that so far Season 2 (we've seen 4 episodes) has been lackluster. It might just be because our expectations were so high, but in my mind I can't help but think that if Season 2 was actually Season 1 I would never have continued watching. Really disappointing.

Getting her into Deadwood, I was able to ease her into Pale Rider starring Clint Eastwood. Not his best western, but notable because it was his first in a decade after the greatest movie ever made, The Outlaw Josey Wales. Pale Rider earns 3.99 stars out of 5.






With her general acceptance of westerns as a legitimate form of motion pictures after seeing Pale Rider, I was then able to fulfill a lifelong dream and watch the greatest movie ever made, The Outlaw Josey Wales, with her. Thanks, hun, for making my lifelong dream come true (here's a list of Homer's lifelong dreams). The greatest movie ever made gets 5.01 stars out of 5.





The next western on the list to watch? The Magnificent Seven or maybe The Wild Bunch but most likely Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I haven't seen that in a decade.

Serenity
A pretty good science fiction movie made even better because it was a freebee from the library. An even 4 stars out of 5.






Friday Night Lights
Yeah, again, from the library. I think this came out before Y2K, but who cares? It was FREE. I don't like high school football, which this movie is based upon. I don't like egomaniacal teenagers or dads living vicariously through their kids or even Texas for that matter. I kept waiting for Billy Bob Thornton to get real drunk and make a fool of himself, but that never materialized. What a let down. 2.5 stars out of 5.



The Hills Have Eyes
I don't watch many horror movies mostly just some of the classics from the 70s like The Exorcist, The Omen, etc., but for some reason I wanted to see this. There's something about mutants that appeals to me. I don't know why. Having never seen the original (although I probably will now) I can't compare it to that, which may or may not be a good thing. It's a good movie though, but not for the faint of heart. Pretty gory but I've become desensitized to that since war movies like Saving Private Ryan and The Patriot routinely show people getting their heads and limbs blown off and that time I witnessed a mob execution. There's a character in this movie, one of the mutants, named Lizard. I could have sworn it was Alice Cooper, which wouldn't be a stretch since he's well, Alice Cooper, but alas, I was wrong. It was a guy named Robert Joy who I recognize now from bit parts on some TV shows. Anyway, it's a pretty creepy movie that I enjoyed and for that I give it 3.8 stars out of 5.

Last but not least, another TV show, Arrested Development. The funniest thing on TV since The Simpsons Season 6. Too bad its cancelled. Actually no, its not too bad. Now it can live forever in DVD form without ever have gone 7 seasons past its prime. We're halfway through season 1 which I had never seen before. Three times I watched Disc 1 and I suspect the same will happen with Disc 2. This is a must buy, people, as in you must buy it for me for Christmas because I am too broke right now. I don't typically rate TV shows, but if I did, AD Season 1 would get 5 stars out of 5. No no, 5.001 stars out of 5.

The Cream of the Crop

[picture of cream soda bottle would go here but blogger is broken]

Why is cream soda called cream soda when really it should be called vanilla soda? I don't know. The entry in Wikipedia says that in the UK it was derived from the phrase "ice cream soda". Frankly, I think a lot of the stuff on Wikipedia is made up. Like the time I looked up information about the anterior cruciate ligament and it said "One of the ligaments that attaches the shin bone to the thigh bone." Or when I was researching Lyndon B. Johnson and it said he was the illegitimate son of a Chinese massuese and was born addicted to opium. What I do know is that the Squamscot cream soda is good. Very good. Like the root beer it deserves its own comparison against its peers. I wonder if I can get my hands on some of that clear Canadian cream soda. Probably not, but in my mind thats what I judge all cream sodas against.

Kip Journal 3/6/1999

As a child Kip could drink and smoke at age 10

Stories from the List: Revision

A better version of #9 that I wrote for my Intro to Fiction class 2/9/1993.

The pedal is pressed hard against the floor. The tires, in a desperate attempt to gain traction, squeal in protest and a billow of dark gray smoke rises. The exhaust roars. Finally, the tires gain traction and my head is snapped sharply back and my eyelids peeled open as 112 screaming horsepower let loose their fury. The 1985 Ford Tempo is hurtling my mass of flesh and bone to mach speeds quicker than the blink of an eye. I struggle to breathe as the powerful g-forces flatten my rib cage.

Fifty, sixty, seventy pass by in a flash. I still have plenty of room left in third gear and I know my baby has enough guts to hit 90, but a sharp bend in the road is bringing my fun to an end. My foot releases the thankful pedal and pounces on the brake, forcing the untamed savagery of my car down to a more grandmotherly 40 mph.

No sooner had I released the brake when I see the ever popular blue flashing lights in my mirror. Five-0. No problem. I flip off my shades and get ready to talk smooth.

The officer however had other things on his mind. Grabbing my neck, he rips me out of the car, and viciously smashes my face into the pavement with his knee planted on my neck. When I question him about my constitutional rights, he begins to beat me with his club. When it breaks on the bridge of my nose, he starts to bite my ears. I am shocked that this is happening to me. He soon grows tired of my ears and slaps the handcuffs on me. The officer then proceeds to drag me by my feet to the car with my head bouncing along on the pavement below. He heaves me into the back seat and slams the door on my left leg. It really hurts when he starts to drive and my foot becomes stuck under the wheel. When I try to make him aware of my suffering, he punches me in the mouth knocking me out cold.

Paul Iggamee

The Salt Lake Tribune has a Polygamy section. In case you wanted to know.

Kip Journal 3/5/1999

As a child Kip was allowed to drink at 12 years old.

VeeDub's Dogs

VeeDub's dogs have destroyed $300 worth of Longaberger baskets.

Yup and Lemon Lime

Yup. So called because its just lemon. Yup, just lemon. Get it? Unfortunately, I don't like lemon much unless its been combined with ade and sugar to make Lemonade. Lemon by itself reminds me of furniture polish and I gave up drinking furniture polish many years ago and I don't intend to start again. My wife and children mean too much to me.

The Lemon Lime was a surprise. Don't be turned off by its biohazard toxic green color reminiscent of poisonous potions mixed up by evil cartoon geniuses. I wasn't sure if I would like it because I am not a fan of the mass-produced lemon limes like Sprite or Slice or Sierra Mist. This isn't too sweet like those are and manages to hide the Lemon Fresh Pledge flavor with a burst of lime.

Kip Journal 3/3/1999

Kip had one of the final beta copies of OS2, but he didn't like it.

Can-I?

Let's start with an emphatic statement designed to catch your attention. The new Can-Am Renegade 800 is the first non-Honda, the first non-sport and the first 4 wheel drive ATV to EVER make me think twice about buying one.

There I said it. This may seem like heresy to some, and normally I would think so too, but this machine combines the best elements of both types of four wheelers and succeeds mightily (the first machine ever to do that in my opinion).

It was featured in this months Dirt Wheels and I was in awe from the moment I started reading the article. If I ever find myself with a spare $9299 lying around, you can bet there will be one of these in my garage (well, if I had a garage. Hopefully I will soon, the $9299 that's another issue).

I won't even bother to go into any more details. You can find that sort of stuff here and here and here.

I would link to the Dirt Wheels website, but it sucks, so I won't.

More Cool Tools

There's been a few cool tools for changing your oil talked about lately. This is the one I found. It would take a little work to install, but I really like the fact that it moves the oil filter to a more accessible position. On my truck I always burn myself on the exhaust trying to get the filter out, not to mention the mess it makes when the oil spills all over the chassis.

I've always wanted one of these scan tools too. Even if you don't intend to fix it yourself, it could help you be a little bit more informed when you take your car into the local grease monkey. I've always wondered too, why couldn't they just sell the scan tool software and then you could just plug a laptop into your car's port? Maybe they do and I am just showing my ignorance.

Ahh, here's a cheaper version of the scan tool.

Kip Journal 2/26/1999

All has been quiet on the Kip front lately. Mostly because nobody has been paying attention to him lately.

Kip once had a car battery fall on his foot and crush his big toe.

9.5 said that an eighth will cost about 25 to 30 bucks. Kip agreed with him because he is such an authority on the subject.

Not THAT Kind of Job!

I have a folder in my Yahoo mail account called jobs. A couple of rules were set up to automatically put any new emails containing "jobs" and other employment related stuff into this folder. Unfortunately some mail about non-employment type "jobs" has ended up there. Mail that would normally go straight to the bulk mail folder.

You're Kidding, Right?

If you hired a programmer to take over development of a couple of Visual Basic applications and one ASP.NET thingie, wouldn't you expect them to know how to formulate this brain buster without help from a coworker?

select * from students where cm_id = 10000

When I was freakin' hired here, I had to take a freakin' 6 page test, but then again I wasn't hired by a freakin' salesman. Freakin' is fun to say. Freakin' freakin' freakin'.

I would describe my mood today as ascerbic.

This cold and damp weather is annoying if for no other reason than sleeping on a damp pillow under damp blankets is uncomfortable at best and gross at worst.

Grrrrrr

I hate my hair like this. Yesterday an old woman in the break room said it looked better this way. I wanted to kick a small dog.

Kip Journal 2/23/1999

I said that Polish woman are not attractive. Kip said I should meet his sister sometime because she supposedly is. I asked if he had a picture of her he said no, of course. I doubt that she is even remotely attractive because she does have Kip genes running through her body. And isn't it a little odd for someone to emphatically declare that his sister is hot?

Still, More About Hair

At Walmart on Saturday, we saw a guy with a KILLER mullet. My first reaction was not to make fun, but to kick myself for the lost opportunity of having my own mullet. Even just for a day. Sigh.

Fabulous Movie Review

21 Grams
This is one of those movies that came out a few years ago which I forgot about and never watched. It is a great film, and I am glad that I finally did. Sean Penn, King of Skeeze, does a great job as always. Naomi Watts has to play two roles. Kinda. She goes from upper middle class wife and mother to a crack ho. She was very convincing as a crack ho. I said to myself, that Naomi Watts, I bet she lived in a crack den for months before filming this movie, so, you know, she could really, like, get into her character. And last but not least, Benicio Del Toro, in his ugliest role ever, was stupendous.

This movie does not portray the story in chronological order and you have to pay attention. Scenes that you are watching at the beginning of the movie are essential to making sense of scenes at the end of the movie.

We didn't play any games during this movie for two reasons. One, I knew that we needed to pay attention to the movie, and two, I had been beaten in 4 games of Scrabble in a row and mentally I couldn't handle another loss.

Actually, I'm sorry. We did play a little game I like to call "Try to Figure Out What Lurleen is Shrieking at Her Boyfriend®". It's pretty fun.

4 4/8 stars out of 5

More Stuff About Hair

Something interesting to note, the first softball game after getting my hair cut I mysteriously go 3 for 3. I could have gotten 3 doubles too but I had a runner ahead of me each time.

Most people at work have just said things like "you got a haircut!" or "oh hey who's the new guy?" but one guy actually made a special trip from the first floor. He said that he had heard through the grapevine and he wanted to see for himself. He actually put his hand on my head and was genuinely excited. Being one of those Bob Jones University graduates, I think he was just glad that I am going to heaven again.

Not much. You?

Back from vacation today and I realized the thing I hate most about that is the post-vacation small talk. Look, I don't care what you did on your vacation* and you don't care what I did on mine so let's just skip it, mmkay?

*Unless it involved ATVs or going to 7 Red Sox games or both.

Insane Radio

I turned on the TV the other day and immediately said, "Ooo! Mad TV." Then I realized it was C-SPAN. The panel of commentators they had on were otherworldy. I couldn't believe they were real.

That's a true story. Ask my wife.

Speaking of Mad TV. I can take it or leave it. Sometimes its funny and sometimes its not. The other day a commercial for the Kids in the Hall Season 1 DVD was on TV. Now, I haven't seen that show since, what, 1990? I remember it being hilarious. Would it still be today? Would I ruin a happy memory by attempting to watch it again? Hmmm.

He he

If you saw the last season of Arrested Development with Scott Baio as Bob Loblaw the lawyer. I dunno. This NH Law Blog reminded me of that and made me laugh. The Bob Loblaw Law Blog.

Beer, The Root of All Evil

So, I purchased two bottles of the Squamscot Root Beer the other day. It was good, I think. The first bottle tasted a little odd. It was the water. I could distinctly taste the water separated from the root beer syrup. After gently shaking the second bottle this didn't happen again. My results are inconclusive as to how this root beer ranks in the pantheon of great root beers. Sure, I can compare it to the other Squamscot sodas, but this would be a great injustice. It needs to be drunk alongside its peers, other great root beers like IBC, Stewart's and Jones, to really be able to judge its quality. So, I will rank it amongst the other Squamscot offerings, but know this: in the not so distant future, a comparison to rock the foundations of the root beer world will be conducted.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

It took over a year to grow it, but it was all gone in 10 minutes. So sad.

Never Again

After leaving an oil slick in my driveway that only the Exxon Valdez could appreciate, I made a life changing decision today. Never again will I change my own oil. Never. Not only is it a pain, and messy, but it's not even cost effective anymore.

(I know I said this yesterday, two posts ago, but I really mean it now)

Kip Journal 2/18/1999

Dave, the scruffy Outlook guy, asked me, not Kip, how to reconfigure X windows in Linux, but who chimes in?, yes, you guessed correctly, KIP!, and what was his answer?, YES, right again, recompile the kernel. Can you say puckin futz?

Kip met some people who overdosed on LSD.

Strategy or Stupidity

So, I decided to change the oil in my truck yesterday. Yes, I am the last person in America who still changes his own oil. This is the last time though. It's no longer cost effective. You can get your oil and filter changed for 18 bucks. Five quarts of oil and a filter from Walmart (assuming you get a good filter and quality oil and not the SuperTech crap) will cost you $15.

First I had to go to Autozone and get spark plug wires. The oil and filter however were purchased at Walmart. Autozone sells oil in 4 quart containers. Walmart sells oil in 5 quart containers. Why does Autozone sell oil in 4 quart containers? I have no idea. Every car I have ever owned needs 5 quarts. So if I bought the 4 quart container from AZ I would also have to buy an additional 1 quart container. That is stupid. I suspect it's some sort of evil corporate policy. They charge the same for a 4 quart jug as Walmart charges for the 5 quart but then they get you for that extra $1.75 for the fifth quart.

I hate Walmart more than Ziggy but in this one instance they win.

Here's some fun trivia for you. I once got a job at an Autozone in Xenia, OH. I never actually worked though. Quit on my first day and went back home to New Hampshire. Ohio sucks.