Funny Trick

If I was a bank teller, while processing a customer's transaction, I would make a lot of fake mouse clicks while staring sternly at the screen for a few minutes. Then I would abruptly leave and go into the manager's office, close the door, and strike up a conversation about some current hot topic sure to raise my boss's ire and make him or her raise their voice and wave their arms in frustration or anger (this would work best in an office with glass windows where the customer could see), while I would occasionally, but discreetly, point out to the lobby. Then I would march back to my station at the counter, and smile at the customer and say, "Have a nice day."

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Looking for a job has got to be one of the worst aspects of life as a normal, productive member of society. I feel like I am standing against the fence at recess waiting to be picked for kickball. Never anybody's first choice, but never ever the last either. Oh well, at least I don't have to wait in line hoping and praying for somebody to plummet to their death like the people trying to get a job on the Golden Gate Bridge when it was being built during the Depression. Oh yeah, and I am currently employed, so at least I don't that kind of pressure either. Oh and I do have skills. Its not like I spent the last 8 years working at the Clam Hut.

Can you estimate for me how long it will take?

Well, let’s see. 6 hours of actual work, plus 2 hours for the meeting to discuss the plan. 1 hour meeting to actually plan. 1.5 hour meeting to recap the plan. Half hour meeting to confirm the plan and make any last minute changes. 3 hour meeting at the halfway point to discuss whether the plan needs to modified, and if so, schedule another 1 hour meeting to discuss those changes. 2 hour meeting after the work is done to discuss if we did it the right way. 1 hour meeting to discuss when to release it. 3 hour meeting after the release to discuss how to modify it again because one customer doesn’t like it. 1 hour meeting to make a plan to change the current release. 3 hours to make that change...etc, etc.

Have you ever...

Talked in your sleep, sleep walked, or maybe dreamed of standing in front of a urinal only to awaken to a sudden spreading warmth? Well, last night, I spit in my sleep. I vaguely remember dreaming of being in some sort of showdown, and I spit in the dream to show my disdain for my opponent. I awoke instantly to a warm slippery mess of saliva running down my neck.

Inferiority or Superiority

My daughter just had her 4 year old check up at the doctor. No surprise, but she is in the 90th percentile for height. Her little brother, a self-described "shorty pants", was recently bumped up to the 25th at his recent 18th month appointment. This was exciting because up until that point he has spent his entire life languishing in the 5th percentile. The oldest, while I don't know where he technically ranks amongst his peers, is perpetually among the shortest in his classes, sports teams, etc.

Now, I am trying to guess in the coming years who is going to have the bigger complex, the teenage girl who is taller than both her brothers, or her midget brothers who have to get their sister to defend them.

Why must you hurt me?

I take care of you. I change your oil, and give you new spark plugs. You never want for a new air filter, and your brakes, they've never squealed. Are you shod in retreads? No, its nothing but the finest. Goodyear Wranglers for you ,my dear. A quality sound system is in your dash, and thick rubber floormats protect your rugs. So why must you be so difficult? Why didn't you start this morning? I was just taking you to the garage for an inspection. I wouldn't let another man get under your hood, I swear. Oh? Whats this now? I haven't fixed the rust spot on your front left fender and the scrape on your tailgate? I told you before, I'm busy and I don't know how to do body work. I work hard to buy you all the things you need. You could help me out a little by cutting back on the old gasoline, you know. What? OH. That is SO like you. How many times do I have to say I am sorry for not changing your oil until 4000 miles last year? Let it go. It was the dead of winter and it was cold. That's it. Forget it. This discussion is over.

This Date in History

Happy 10th Anniversary Steph.

Apparently, the metal associated with the 10th anniversary is tin. I should be able to swing that. I think I saw a Diamonique tin ring with matching tin earrings on QVC last night.

Maple Cream

In lieu of another review about Squamscot soda, I leave you to ponder the lyrics to The Final Countdown by Europe.

We're leaving together,

But still it's farewell

And maybe we'll come back,

To earth, who can tell?

I guess there is no one to blame

We're leaving ground

Will things ever be the same again?



It's the final countdown...



We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all

With so many light years to go and things to be found

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so.

What? Can't Hear You.

Nothing drowns out the phones ringing, The Veeg®'s stories of sex with her barely legal boyfriend, my bosses whiny nasally monotone, and another girl's violent cubicle shaking sneezes like a little System of a Down on ye olde iPod.

You Make Me Proud

In light of the recent hate crime perpetrated at work, I decided against putting a test student's primary language in the system as Engrish.

Fabulous Movie Review

Saw II

I'll just come right out and say it, I was very disappointed in Saw II. It's an okay movie, but the acting was pretty poor at times. It used a lot of standard issue horror movie clichés and just threw more blood in the mix to distract us. A lot of the traps in the house weren't as imaginative as what was portrayed in the first movie either. I would have liked more time developing the characters trapped in the house and less banter between Jigsaw and the detective.

The ending did have a good twist though, and I still think it was a much better horror than most others I have seen. 3.14159265 stars out of 5.

Sucker Fruit Punch Bowl

Tried the Fruit Bowl flavor of Squamscot soda today and I was expecting more mediciney aftertaste delight ala Black Cherry and Strawberry, but that wasn't the case. It was actually good. Just like fruit punch with ginger ale in it. The most inoffensive and therefore most common large gathering drink known to man. The only thing missing was the rainbow sherbet.

Fabulous Movie Review

Saw

Always dismissed by me as some silly slasher flick geared toward brain dead teenagers, I have no idea what prompted me to watch this movie. Maybe it was the 7.6 rating it has on IMDB, or because the Dread Pirate Roberts starred in it. Maybe I just wanted a good old fashioned scare, or perhaps I secretly hoped the 60 year old man with the handlebar mustache at the video store would think I was cool. The point is, I am an indecisive man prone to whimsy and unpredictable behaviour.

Expecting the worse, I was pleasantly surprised. Saw actually has a plot. An interesting plot. To be honest, it wasn't what I expected at all. Not as disturbing or gory or scary as I had believed, it was no worse, in my estimation, than Silence of the Lambs. Whoa whoa whoa, I am NOT saying it is as good a movie as SotL! Just that it is not any more horror inducing, probably less in fact.

As my brother correctly pointed out, Saw did get a little overdramatic at the end, but it still earned 4 stars out of 5.

Motorhead

Somehow, despite the fact that I have not worked on anything mechanical in at least a month, I just discovered that I have two motor oil stains on my good work jeans. Nothing is safe.

That Explains A Lot

Or nothing at all. I dunno.

Apparently Big A's wife is a Juggalo or fan of Insane Clown Posse.

Fabulous Movie Review

The Matador
Have you ever known someone who was a little odd in a weird sort of way, but wasn't really too bad of a person, and they just seemed to latch on to you and considered you their best friend even though you went out your way to avoid them and maybe were even a little mean to them at times? Yeah? I'm glad you finally admitted it. All these years and I just wanted you to like me. Well, it's too late now. I'm moving on and you are just outta luck, pal.

Remember the "jackass" guy from Happy Gilmore? He's kinda like that and so is Pierce Brosnan in this movie. Except Brosnan also happens to be a hit man or a "facilitator of fatalities". Greg Kinnear is the guy that Pierce Brosnan's character, Julian Noble, befriends in a bar in Mexico. Remember Kinnear from Talk Soup? See, your dreams can come true in Hollywood. As long as you are willing to sell your soul.

This is a really good movie. It's funny, but I wish they had gone a little more overboard with Brosnan's character. Made him a little bit sleazier. I suppose there is a reason for that though. The creators of the movie wanted us to be able to feel sorry for him. If he had been any worse of a human, then I don't think that would have been possible. Brosnan is excellent as the anti-Bond. When this movie hits the $7.50 rack at Walmart, I will probably buy it.

Now, I am going to do something unprecedented. To me, this movie is a B+ or about 3.75 on my scale if my 3rd grade math skills are correct. This puts me in an unfortunate position, because I recently gave About Schmidt, a movie I did not enjoy as much as this one, would not watch again, and certainly never buy, that same exact rating. I am taking away About Schmidt's rating. The 3.75 becomes a 2.75 + .25 for being free from the library, for a 3. This movie, The Matador, gets 3.8 stars out of 5.

Strawberry = Not Good

As previously mentioned, Strawberry was the next Squamscot soda to be tested. Similar to Black Cherry in that the first few sips are sweet and delicious, it also tested mediciney after half the bottle was consumed. I don't know about you but "mediciney" does not fill me with love and happiness and an insatiable passion for doing good works for my fellow man. Although two bottles of this were purchased, only one has been drank so far. I usually like to wait at least 24 hours in between times of making myself ill on purpose.

Really, what I should do is bump Strawberry and Black Cherry down to the very bottom of the ranking list and move Birch Beer and Ginger Beer up simply because they have "beer" in their names. I've always felt bad about the raw deal that Ginger Beer got and I would like to make amends.

Ooo. I can't wait until I try Fruit Bowl. Its sure to be a delicious concoction. Yeah.

Poor Little Fellas

It's a good thing we aren't having any more kids because having this laptop on my lap night after night can't be healthy for the millions of future Andys of America swimming below.

America "Runs" on Dunkin

Speaking of celebrity voiceovers, have you noticed who is doing the new Dunkin Donuts commercials? John Goodman. I don't think he "runs" on anything. More like walk. Listening to his voice while a sausage sandwich appears on the screen doesn't make me want to go out and get one. It makes me want to get a bowl of raisin bran and then go jogging. He's got that voice echo going on like Andre the Giant too where his throat is so large everything he says reverberates and by the end of the sentence you can't figure out what he said. Honestly, I can't believe he is still alive. To this day, thinking of he and Roseanne getting romantic on the TV show of the same name makes me curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb while mumbling "Oh god no" over and over. Why would I be thinking of that? Why does a Vietnam vet become suddenly paralyzed by past memories of tunnels in the jungle? It's not a choice, its a curse.

Friday Night Rentals

My new Netflix selections won't arrive in time for the weekend, so I'll be heading to Hollywood Video after work. I'm leaning towards The Matador, but really I am kind of undecided because I have no idea whats out there. Any suggestions?