Um, sir, please dont crap in my driveway

So, I'm sitting on my four wheeler in my yard near the edge of the street when along comes a man on a horse. as I am a responsible ATVer, I know enough to turn my engine off as they approach because horses can become spooked.

As he gets nearer I say, "Hey, Whats Up" in my outdoor voice. He responds, but I cant understand what he said. I figure its because the noise from my engine had momentarily dulled my ears. No problem, I just smile at him, like I do when communicating with the elderly or the insane.

He says something else and kinda teeters in his saddle and I realize that this here cowboy, clad in a camouflage jumpsuit, is DRUNK. (Is it even legal to ride a horse drunk? My brain responds, "Of course its legal this is NEW HAMPSHIRE, now if we were in Maine...". I'm not sure how i feel about that). Anyway, not only was he drunk but he was carrying a large clear water bottle half filled with what i could only guess due to the color was rum and coke.

So the guy says something to me again, which I assumed was a question, so I just nodded my head. I figured I was safe. He proceeds to trot his horse up my driveway, turn it around and just stand there for a minute (admiring the view, i dunno). We chat for a minute, well, I chatted, he drooled. Then he leaves, at a gallop, half out of the saddle.

That might be the strangest thing we've ever seen, my brain ponders.

I ride around on my 4 wheeler a little more and then I noticed in my driveway, a big steaming pile of crap. Did i mention it was big? And STEAMING? yeah. I actually considered leaving it there for my wife to discover, but, nah, I've already put her through so much the past 10 years.

I shoveled it up and went to the backyard to hang out in the shed and look at my tools like the good little redneck I am.

About 20 minutes later I was putting something in the back of my truck and here comes Wild Drunken Bill galloping up the street again. I hurry up and throw the stuff in the truck and head towards the backyard. Unfortunately, due to the cold his buzz must be wearing off becuase he spotted me and yelled out an intelligible, "Buddy!" I keep walking pretending not to hear. He trots his horse up my driveway, and yells "hey the horse wants to say hi". I turn around and the horse comes up to me and I stare at it, not sure what to do. "You can pet it, jeeez", Wild Drunken Bill says.

Going against my own personal Golden Rule, never touch animals that aren't yours and even then only under the most dire circumstances, I take one of my gloves off and pat his nose and the bass turd tries to bite me! I forgive him though because he's obviously suffered enough.

And thats the end of my story (the horse didn't crap again, in case you're wondering)