Thursday, August 31, 2006

That Explains A Lot

Or nothing at all. I dunno.

Apparently Big A's wife is a Juggalo or fan of Insane Clown Posse.

Fabulous Movie Review

The Matador
Have you ever known someone who was a little odd in a weird sort of way, but wasn't really too bad of a person, and they just seemed to latch on to you and considered you their best friend even though you went out your way to avoid them and maybe were even a little mean to them at times? Yeah? I'm glad you finally admitted it. All these years and I just wanted you to like me. Well, it's too late now. I'm moving on and you are just outta luck, pal.

Remember the "jackass" guy from Happy Gilmore? He's kinda like that and so is Pierce Brosnan in this movie. Except Brosnan also happens to be a hit man or a "facilitator of fatalities". Greg Kinnear is the guy that Pierce Brosnan's character, Julian Noble, befriends in a bar in Mexico. Remember Kinnear from Talk Soup? See, your dreams can come true in Hollywood. As long as you are willing to sell your soul.

This is a really good movie. It's funny, but I wish they had gone a little more overboard with Brosnan's character. Made him a little bit sleazier. I suppose there is a reason for that though. The creators of the movie wanted us to be able to feel sorry for him. If he had been any worse of a human, then I don't think that would have been possible. Brosnan is excellent as the anti-Bond. When this movie hits the $7.50 rack at Walmart, I will probably buy it.

Now, I am going to do something unprecedented. To me, this movie is a B+ or about 3.75 on my scale if my 3rd grade math skills are correct. This puts me in an unfortunate position, because I recently gave About Schmidt, a movie I did not enjoy as much as this one, would not watch again, and certainly never buy, that same exact rating. I am taking away About Schmidt's rating. The 3.75 becomes a 2.75 + .25 for being free from the library, for a 3. This movie, The Matador, gets 3.8 stars out of 5.

Strawberry = Not Good

As previously mentioned, Strawberry was the next Squamscot soda to be tested. Similar to Black Cherry in that the first few sips are sweet and delicious, it also tested mediciney after half the bottle was consumed. I don't know about you but "mediciney" does not fill me with love and happiness and an insatiable passion for doing good works for my fellow man. Although two bottles of this were purchased, only one has been drank so far. I usually like to wait at least 24 hours in between times of making myself ill on purpose.

Really, what I should do is bump Strawberry and Black Cherry down to the very bottom of the ranking list and move Birch Beer and Ginger Beer up simply because they have "beer" in their names. I've always felt bad about the raw deal that Ginger Beer got and I would like to make amends.

Ooo. I can't wait until I try Fruit Bowl. Its sure to be a delicious concoction. Yeah.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Poor Little Fellas

It's a good thing we aren't having any more kids because having this laptop on my lap night after night can't be healthy for the millions of future Andys of America swimming below.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

America "Runs" on Dunkin

Speaking of celebrity voiceovers, have you noticed who is doing the new Dunkin Donuts commercials? John Goodman. I don't think he "runs" on anything. More like walk. Listening to his voice while a sausage sandwich appears on the screen doesn't make me want to go out and get one. It makes me want to get a bowl of raisin bran and then go jogging. He's got that voice echo going on like Andre the Giant too where his throat is so large everything he says reverberates and by the end of the sentence you can't figure out what he said. Honestly, I can't believe he is still alive. To this day, thinking of he and Roseanne getting romantic on the TV show of the same name makes me curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb while mumbling "Oh god no" over and over. Why would I be thinking of that? Why does a Vietnam vet become suddenly paralyzed by past memories of tunnels in the jungle? It's not a choice, its a curse.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Friday Night Rentals

My new Netflix selections won't arrive in time for the weekend, so I'll be heading to Hollywood Video after work. I'm leaning towards The Matador, but really I am kind of undecided because I have no idea whats out there. Any suggestions?


Apparently, I haven't logged into my Hotmail account for 30 days. Apparently, if you don't login for 30 days they wipe out everything, mail, folders, everything. Now, I don't use that account much anymore (obviously) but wiping out stuff that I had saved for 10 years is a little annoying. I couldn't even tell you what I had saved, but just knowing that I did have stuff in there bugs me.

Oh yeah, and if you've emailed me in the past 30 days to that address, um, sorry, I didn't get your email. I have a Yahoo mail account. Send any emails to that address in the future. It's the same, just replace hotmail with yahoo in the address.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Heat: It's About the Police

You might be wondering what my title means. I am watching the movie Heat right now. One of my all time favorites. My daughter just woke up and asked me what I was watching. "Heat" was my response which got me a "What?". I had to quickly explain to her what the title meant.

A few interesting things to note about Heat, Hank Azaria, voice of Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Frink, etc. plays the extra marital love interest of Val Kilmer's wife and a stool pigeon. Also, Tone Loc, performer of the most recited rap song of all time, Wild Thing*, is a snitch in the film. I got to thinking with all of the "celebrities" who do voice overs for commercials these days why hasn't he done one yet? That voice is cool and instantly recognizable to anyone. Come to think of it, he probably already has and I just don't remember.

Al Pacino and Robert De Niro are paired together for the first time I believe, and in my opinion Pacino overacted just a bit during the movie, especially in the first half, except for the scene where the two of them are talking to each other in a diner. Brilliant. De Niro has always been one of my favorites anyway.

Crap! I just realized my brother has The Deer Hunter. I would watch that next if it was here. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels coming right up. It's a shame that Guy Ritchie fell into the black bottomless hole pit of Madonna's um, private parts, and he won't ever make a good movie again.

Wow. The greatest gunfight in a movie ever.

This post goes into the category of "Inane Babbling". If my wife was here all of this is what I would be talking about. Aren't you lucky?

Man, I wish I had some popcorn.

*Bust A Move by Young MC is 2nd followed by Girls Ain't Nothin But Trouble by the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. It's too bad the Fresh Prince's wife doesn't let him play with Jazzy Jeff anymore.

Free Katie!

Hahahahahahaha. You suck Tom Cruise.

I firmly stand by my pledge to never watch another movie starring Tom Cruise.

I don't really care about Katie either. Just so you know.

Blame it on The Veeg

I didn't do it. I SWEAR. The only thing I have done in the course of testing the software is make fun of Mexicans. That's it!

Hi team,

It was brought to my attention today that during a Case-e demo, text in Case-e was displayed on a big screen that read something to the effect of "to fix this child so he can act like a human being". Those aren't the exact words, but that's not important. What is important is that each of us remembers that we are always dealing with a product that is shown to potential clients and that audience is extremely sensitive to disparaging remarks made about special education students in general.

The only reason I say The Veeg did it is because, as she has informed us ad nauseum, she has a master's degree and used to be a teacher. And as we all know only a teacher* could be so casually sarcastic about and display such blatant disregard for the feelings of her students. Plus, she's a moron who doesn't think before she says or writes anything. Oh wait, I just described myself. I DIDN'T DO IT!

*Except music teachers

Monday, August 21, 2006

Fabulous Movie Review

About Schmidt
Library pickings are getting slim. I have avoided this movie for years, although I always knew at some point me and Schmidt would meet.

This movie is like Fight Club except its geared towards older and more sensible people, plus there's no fighting, except when Schmidt slaps his best friend around for sleeping with his wife during the Carter administration.

Dealing with issues that men of all ages face, not just those in an advanced age, I'm not really sure how to describe About Schmidt. It's not a comedy, but it does have funny parts, like when he tells us that his wife forces him to pee sitting down. Also, his description of "this old woman in my bed" is hilarious.

Quirkiness would be another attribute of this film, except that if you are going to be quirky you have to go all out into Wes Anderson territory to really make it work. Partial quirkiness, like partial nudity, is just a tease and a crime.

It ain't a drama either, that's for sure. It must be a Quamedy. That's it.

I watched this movie during the rain delay and in between innings of last nights Sux game. When the movie was over, my first reaction was "About Time". Haha. Get it? But thinking back on it now, having divorced myself from the train wreck and emotional abuse that is the 2006 Boston Red Sox, I realize that it wasn't half bad. Some of those characters were really interesting and weird. Still, I wish they had descended into pure unadulterated quirkiness and not just flirted with Quirky's ugly sister.

Many thanks go out to my brother for warning me about the Kathy Bates nude scene which I was able to skip over without causing permanent retinal damage.

Um, gee, I've rambled on quite a bit about a movie I hated at 1 am last night. 3 stars out of 5.

Rating was changed on 8/31/2006 from 3.75 to 2.75 (plus .25 for being free from the library) because on further comparison to other movies with a similar rating it just didn't seem to cut the cheese, I mean mustard.

What does the "S" stand for?

Quite frankly, the worst smelling and worst tasting hot dogs ever, bar none.


Squamscot soda testing has kind of fallen by the wayside lately, but I did manage to stop by Calef's on Sunday and grab myself a bottle of Cola.

Cola. Cola. Cola. What can I say about the Cola? Not much. I don't think I would ever buy it again. Why would I when there is Coca-Cola sitting on the shelf 6 inches away from it for the same price but containing 8 more ounces. Coke is it, people, and you can't beat the real thing. Now, if only it came in a glass bottle.


I have only one thing to say about the Red Sox/Yankees games over the weekend. What the @#!% was Joe Torre drinking in the dugout? I mean, it was a water bottle, Poland Springs I believe, but it definitely didn't contain water. Unless it was water from the Charles River blessed by a priest, but it looked more like urine or dip spit.

Update: Ok, I do want to say one thing about the games this weekend. Specifically, last nights game. Why the [beep] wasn't Papel[beep]bon brought in to [beep] start the [beep] 8th inning?? He was [beep] rested. We [beep] had to [beep] win that [beep] game. Instead, he still [beep] had to [beep] the whole [beep] inning, but with the [beep] bases [beep] loaded. A [beep] impossible [beep] situation. [beep]. [beep]. [beep]. I'm just glad I'm not as emotionally invested in this season as I have in the past.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Funtown and Creepy Men

The "man" recently arrested for killing JonBenet just plain looks like a pedophile. He oozes child molester. If I saw him in my neighborhood, first I would write a funny blog post about him, then I would tell my family to stay away from him, and if he tried to engage any of us in conversation I would have my cat rip his throat out.

So, anyway, I told you that because of my trip to Funtown/Splashtown on Saturday. It was my first time going there. I assumed it was lame, because it's in the state of Maine and that they had legislation requiring you to wear full face helmets on every ride. Anyway, they have this attraction in the Splashtown side of things called Pirate's Paradise. It's primarily for kids, but there were some adults who dared brave the icy water with their kids, myself included, but there was one heavyset 40ish guy wearing turqoise shorts and a polo shirt who just didn't belong there. He spent about 30 minutes working the controls to a valve that sprayed water out of the floor every time someone walked by. He avoided the dads of course. Creepy.

I couldn't stay in Splashtown very long, it was just too cold. The kids didn't seem to mind it too much. The one waterslide I really enjoyed was the black tube. It was total darkness on the way down and a lot of fun. The lack of a more exciting slide like Water Country's Geronimo was disappointing. Perhaps in the future they will add an attraction like that.

On the Funtown side of things, only two rides really matter much to me. The Dragon's Descent and the Excalibur. The Dragon's Descent is a 220 foot tower where you are brought to the top, hung up in the air to enjoy the views for about 10 seconds, and then dropped. It's a completely different feeling from any other ride I have ever been on and I loved it. Hats off to Johnny, a 9 year old kid who went on it twice with my brother and I, and my nephew who went on it once. Truth be told I wouldn't have had the guts to do that at 9. Canobie Lake has a similar ride called the Starblaster, although its not as tall, and they shoot you to the top and you freefall instantly as opposed to the Dragon's Descent's gradually climb and pause at the top. Since I haven't tried the Starblaster I can't say which I prefer but my guess is the Dragon's Descent just for the height factor alone.

The Excalibur is a wooden roller coaster, but its new, having been built in 1998. It's not my favorite coaster of all time, but it beats the Yankee Cannonball at Canobie lake hands down.

Funtown also has the requisite Log Flume ride and a Galaxi roller coaster which they describe as "Maine's most exciting -- and breathtaking roller coaster." Hahahahaha...Excuse me. Here is a little more information about Galaxi coasters. I know that Canobie took theirs down, but maybe we could start a grassroots effort to save and preserve these legends of amusementdom. Or maybe you and I could go on a tour of the country and ride on every one of these beauties still standing and operable. Oh the stories we could tell! Hahaha ahahahaha.

Funtown is a good alternative to having to deal with the homies from Lowell that descend upon Canobie Lake every weekend. While it doesn't have the quantity of rides, its big money rides are as good or better than what Canobie has.


Don't send me an email and then 10 seconds later pop your head over the cubicle walls like an office gopher, repeat my name like a 4 year old until I respond, and ask if I got your email.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

W for Wevenge

V for Vendetta
V for Vendetta stars the boyishly good looking Natalie Portman who inadvertently gets swept up in the cause of V, a government genetic experiment who is out for revenge. I think that sums it up. The movie is set in the future in London under a totalitarian regime that believes homosexuals are the world's greatest evil. Besides that message being beaten into our heads a few times, because, well, you know with people like Bush and Blair in power its bound to happen, although far more likely if someone like, oh, I dunno, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was to drop a bomb on the U.S., this was an excellent movie.

I highly recommend it to all my various friends: deadheads, metalheads, potheads, seamheads, muscleheads, boneheads, techheads, motorheads, *heads, geeks, freaks, nerds, dweebs, intellectuals, dimwits, narcissists, felons, ne'erdowells, good ones, bad ones, best ones and any other kind of friend I left out. All can enjoy this movie. It's that good. This I promise you. 4.3333333333 stars out of 5.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Funny Comic

About terrorists.

My Son's a Junkie

The youngest boy, now a year and a half old, has a quickly expanding vocabularly. Two of his newest words are truck and his universal word for snack, "crack" or "crackcrack". He started using that word when asking for crackers, but it has evolved into being used for anything that he wants to eat. Sometimes he will even surprise us by coming out with sentences, "I'm all done", for example.

Yesterday I was on the phone and he was desperately trying to get some saltwater taffy that was on the counter. Reaching up as far as he could with both arms, repeating "crackcrack" over and over, pulling on my pant leg, and even getting a small stool for reaching even farther.

I hung up the phone, turned around and looked at him. He looked up at me and said as clear as day, "I need crack."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Jimmie Jones

I got kicked in the jimmies last night. It wasn't a devastating nut cruncher delivered by a kung fu master, but it hurt nonetheless. A lot. I had forgotten how much it does hurt, because I had made it my life's goal to avoid getting kicked in the jimmies at all cost, but it's good to experience it now and again, you know, to keep one grounded and reminded about his raison d’ĂȘtre.

[sigh] I read other people's blogs and I am amazed at how articulate and thoughtful they are and then I come here and post this. Oh, I've sunk to a new low. Like Adam Sandler in Little Nicky.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I'm a Junkie

I ran out of instant coffee yesterday (yes, I like instant coffee, don't judge me, man) and I swished a little water in the jar to get the last remaining bits of coffee powder out.

Monday, August 07, 2006

My Fabulous Artwork

Scared Vegan Dog by Gagknee

From Angry to Sad to Scared. The vegan dog's emasculation (or is it ecanination) is complete.

Sorry Kid

Some people peak in high school and spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate their accomplishments on the football field or living vicariously through their children. Others are more lucky, throwing off the shackles of repression placed on them by overbearing parents or lack of self-esteem in their late twenties or early thirties, but for you little baby I'm afraid to say that your life has peaked. It will never get any better than this.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Kip Journal 3/8/1999

Kip quote: "Alcoholism isn't a disease, its a good idea"

Kip said we should have Rob2's display phone changed so that it says "Kip Winger"

[This was part of the successful ploy to make Kip believe that the Kip we talked about out loud and in front of him (ex. Me: "Man, that Kip is a dink." Actual Kip: "Yeah, I can't stand Kip either") was Rob2. Ed.]

Kip said that he prefers bottled beer because keg beer tastes like dishwater.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Mel, Mel, Mel...

One of the things I learned early on in my life is when arrested keep your mouth shut. The only exception being words of humility such as "Sir" and "Thank you". That whole "right to remain silent" thing? Learn it, love it, live it.

Company Pic-a-nic

Last Friday was my company's annual picnic. The last few years it always involved 9 holes of golf in the morning and then everyone would meet at Fort Foster in Kittery for a cookout (and free lobster).

The problem with the 9 holes of golf in the morning is that golf by design is exclusionary, not family oriented, only truly enjoyed by pale white men over 50 and "golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass". The other thing with playing golf is that I feel guilty for leaving my wife alone to get the kids ready for the afternoon picnic. I mean if I am going to feel guilty for something I would much rather have it be for riding my ATV, not for something I hate, like golf. That's like wasting one of the wishes from your monkey paw on world peace.

This year's morning festivities did not involve golf however. Well, it did actually. Miniature golf or to those true losers out there, the driving range. Perhaps I am too harsh. You are not a loser if you go to a driving range, but you are a loser if you go to the driving range when you have two hours of unlimited go kart riding, batting cages, and video games as an option.

Having the morning portion of the company picnic at The Hilltop Fun Center was pure genius. It kind of reminded me of when I was a kid and my dad's company picnic was always at Canobie Lake Park except that there is no roller coaster at HFC or a Turkish Twist or any other ride design to make a person sick and/or dizzy. I've always thought that "Hilltop Fun Center" was a boring name too. Anytime the word "center" is used in the name of a place of business or house of worship it makes me cringe. It's too clinical and dry and boring. Hilltop Fun Center is even worse because it attempts to mate the words "fun" and "center". It's an unholy union. A crime against nature. Cousins marrying cousins. "Center" should only be used by medical type places. The John J. Johnson Cancer Center. The Smith Center for Oozing Skin Infections. Center for Human and Animal Genetic Hybrids. Anyway, it was fun. And I am glad we had that instead of golf. Truly.

The cookout portion was pretty uneventful. I mean, what can you say about free lobster. Not much. It speaks for itself. I love to eat large steamed insects. Covered in butter.

I do have a couple of pictures though.

The Veeg's boyfriend looks like he needs a steak or three. I wanted to overpower him (actually I would have left that task up to my 9 year old son), puree a pound of medium rare ribeye and dump it down his throat. At one point I was overwhelmed with fear*, The Veeg's eyes became glazed over and I thought for a second she might take a bite out of him. Remember the cartoon where the two guys are stranded on an island and they imagine each other as a large hot dog or hamburger? Yeah. I knew I had seen the look she had in her eye before.

This picture is self-explanatory, but I will explain it anyhow. Yellow shorts?!? What manner of abomination is that? You deserve to be kidnapped and left in the South Bronx. With a Red Sox hat on. And an "I can't...I'm Mormon" t-shirt.

Speaking of Mormon t-shirts. Be a real pal and buy your best friend one of these for his birthday.

*I wasn't really afraid. Fear implies some sort of emotional investment. I have no emotional investment in The Veeg or her underage former student boyfriend. Speaking of former students why is it that The Veeg is not a teacher anymore and no longer utilizes the Masters degree of which we are reminded on a daily basis that she has?