Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Kip Journal 3/12/1999

Kip's stories frequently involve his friends. Who are these people?

Read the Kip Journal FAQ

The Kip Journal FAQ

Who is Kip?

Kip is a guy I worked with at the Help Desk at Cabletron Systems for about a year spanning 1998 and 1999

Is Kip his real name?

No. I love to give people nicknames, and this one is a shortening of Kipling, as in Rudyard Kipling, because Kip tells great stories. I get a lot of blank stares when I tell people the origin of his nickname. It bothers me not. It's funny to me.

What is his real name?

That I will not tell you, other than his last name is Polish.

What is this journal?

Kip's stories were so numerous and so outrageous, I wanted to be able to save them for posterity. I shared the Journal feature in my Outlook with several other people at the Help Desk and we would all record the things that Kip said in it, for all to enjoy. I lament for the many stories I missed BJ (before Journal), but such is life.

Did you make some of this stuff up?

Absolutely not. Everything contained in the Kip journal is 100 percent true. Kip either said it or did it.

Are they direct quotations?

Direct quotations are enclosed in quotes and will typically start with "I". Everything else will be in the 3rd person. It breaks up the monotony to occasionally use a direct quote. Sometimes we will tell a story about something he did that was funny or make a simple observation. I leave you to differentiate.

Do you embellish the entries that aren't direct quotes?

Absolutely not. And I hate you for asking. Honestly, we didn't have to embellish.

I'm confused, sometimes you mention another guy named Kip.

That's not a question.

Who is this other Kip you mention from time to time?

The "other" Kip was one of the guys who had access to the Journal and we were friends with. He did not work at the Help Desk at that time. We convinced Kip that this guy was the Kip that we were forever making jokes and disparaging remarks about. It led to some funny moments where the real Kip would make fun of the fake Kip, and we would laugh not because the real Kip was super funny but because the real Kip was super dumb.

Are you ever afraid that Kip will find out about this Journal and take out his alcoholic, bong water fueled revenge on you?

I live life on the edge, and sometimes that gets a little scary. I expect that. I relish that.

Do you believe in Karma?


I hope this FAQ has been helpful ~ Gagknee

So, Tell Me About Yourself

Well, I'm a straightforward kind of guy who prefers direct questions to open-ended ones.

A company flew me down to Richmond yesterday for an interview. I haven't flown in a few years and not much at all in my life, but I wasn't nervous about the actual flying. It was the fear of the "Andy being Andy Experience" that had my stomach in knots.

The "Andy being Andy Experience" could be defined as anything that I seem to do wrong at the worst possible time. Anything from just plain being late, to losing my keys or wallet, getting lost, not following instructions, or losing a contact. On the last trip to West Virginia, the Experience that weekend was more concentrated evil than at any other time in history.

The first leg of my journey was Manchester to La Guardia. What a dump that place is. I didn't venture past my gate, sitting for 45 minutes in a chair doing nothing hoping to keep the Experience gods at bay.

La Guardia to Richmond. Now Richmond, that's a nice airport. I didn't dawdle though and went straight to the baggage claim area to find the limo driver who was picking me up.

Fifteen minutes past and I started to sweat. I walked around a bit. Looked outside. Sweated some more. The decision to walk back up towards the gates was made. Woohoo! There's the limo guy. The Experience avoided. Just barely. I must have just walked right past him in my rush to get to the baggage claim area. My efforts to thwart The Experience almost resulted in direct contact with The Experience. Oh, you are a tricky one aren't you, god of Experience.

On to the interview. I met up with the manager and a manager friend of his and we went to lunch. Strangely enough, we all ordered reubens, except I opted for pastrami on mine in order to avoid being a total copycat. The reubens were excellent. Sometimes you get a reuben and it ends up being a big pile of soggy bread and kraut on your plate, but not these. This portion of the interview was pretty casual. I asked a ton of questions and so did they. I was relaxed and it went well.

Next up on the agenda was to sit with another programmer. This too went well. The hour past quickly. We had a lighthearted discussion about the merits of multidimensional arrays and how Northsiders look down upon Southsiders. This refers to people who live north of Richmond and those who live south of Richmond. Unfortunately, I will be a southsider. Great. Two strikes against me (the first being that I am from the North) and I haven't even moved there yet.

The third interview was with a woman from the business side of things having nothing to do with technology at all. After 10 minutes, she declared that she had no more questions for me and told me to accompany her outside while she smoked. Then we sat in her cube for 40 minutes while she checked her email.

The last two people I met with were senior managers who were obviously too busy to talk to me, but they diligently fired questions at me for 15 minutes and then shuffled me off.

All in all, it went well, and now I could relax because The Experience couldn't hurt me anymore.

On the way home, at the Philadelphia airport, also a pretty nice place as far as airports go, I had a sandwich from Chick-fil-A, my first time ever. Holy CRAP! Good stuff.

So, Uh, How Yuh Been?

Life's been busy the past week and a half or so effectively quashing any creative abilities I have.

Tuesday of last week, the wife and I drove down to Richmond, to look for a place to live. We had one house in mind and a bunch of townhouses and apartments. Upon our arrival we went and did a drive-by of the house before we called the landlord. It was a great house, from the outside, in a nice neighborhood, on a cul-de-sac, with a fenced in wooded backyard.

We called the landlord and left him a message, then we went around looking for the townhouses and apartments. I won't go into details about all of the ones we looked at, except I will say that the first complex we went to was ghetto. I got discouraged because this is not what I had envisioned moving my family into. It all worked out though because a few hours later the landlord called us back and we ended up renting the house.

The ride home was just lovely. I had been up for 40 hours, about 24 of that sitting in a van. Eventually, I had to let my wife drive. It's nothing against her, I just have a phobia about letting other people drive me. I couldn't sleep, but later on I attempted to drive again. Bad idea. Hallucinating while traveling at 70 mph is bad. The only other time I started hallucinating while driving was during a trip to Texas. That time I saw Jesus and Mary dancing on the highway. This time the windshield was fogging up and I could only see through a tiny hole. Of course, it wasn't really. I stopped at a rest area and reluctantly let my wife drive. I crashed hard and slept all the way until we got on 495.

Friday, September 15, 2006

New England Blend

Brewed my first pot of Starbucks coffee the other day. It was mighty fine. I had a crude joke to make right now, but I have decided against it. I apologize.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


I applied for a job today to which I received two automated response emails within 9 minutes of each other. The first thanked me for applying but said their hiring process was highly competitive and they have narrowed their choices down to other candidates who more closely fit the requirements. Okay, that's cool. Nine minutes later I receive another email (from a different address) saying that they have forwarded my information to the hiring manager and will contact me.

Sounds like Cabletron. Maybe I've found my new home!

Quick and Dirty Movie Reviews

Donnie Darko - What the?? Who the?? How the?? 2 stars out of 5.

The Twilight Samurai - If a Japanese movie about life as a mid 19th century widower petty samurai complete with subtitles with little to no sword fighting action is your idea of a good time then this movie is for you. I was expecting a LOT of swordplay. I was severely disappointed. But it was free from the library. A lot of things can be excused if they are free. Dinner at Red Lobster. A couch. A haircut. It was a pretty good movie with a well written story, and it wasn't Donnie Darko. That alone gets it some extra points. 2.79 stars out of 5.

City of God - Quite simply, one of the best movies I have ever seen. Also subtitled, which was annoying only because it distracted me from the excellent cinematography, it is set in the slums of Rio De Janeiro and follows the life of two boys, one good and one bad. This movie was free but not from the library, I had a credit at the video store, so there is no .25 added to its score. This 4.8 stars out of 5 is all natural. Pure West.

Oops. I forgot one.

Walk the Line - It was interesting but it didn't really portray just how cool Johnny Cash was. Maybe he wasn't as cool as I think. Too bad he was a philanderer and a junkie, but isn't everyone in show biz? Anyway, Wah-keen Fee-nicks did a fine job and so did the young lady cuter than a baby chimp wearing a diaper, Reese Witherspoon. 3.1 stars out of 5.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Stop! This is the POLICE! Put down that garage!

Garage reported stolen recovered, police say

In the News

The chili I ate two days continues to wreak havoc across my intestines...Back to you Maria.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Kip Journal 3/11/1999

At Kip's old job his bosses took an annual trip to Hawaii. All the employees would basically just drink and play poker the whole time.

Funny Trick

If I was a bank teller, while processing a customer's transaction, I would make a lot of fake mouse clicks while staring sternly at the screen for a few minutes. Then I would abruptly leave and go into the manager's office, close the door, and strike up a conversation about some current hot topic sure to raise my boss's ire and make him or her raise their voice and wave their arms in frustration or anger (this would work best in an office with glass windows where the customer could see), while I would occasionally, but discreetly, point out to the lobby. Then I would march back to my station at the counter, and smile at the customer and say, "Have a nice day."

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Looking for a job has got to be one of the worst aspects of life as a normal, productive member of society. I feel like I am standing against the fence at recess waiting to be picked for kickball. Never anybody's first choice, but never ever the last either. Oh well, at least I don't have to wait in line hoping and praying for somebody to plummet to their death like the people trying to get a job on the Golden Gate Bridge when it was being built during the Depression. Oh yeah, and I am currently employed, so at least I don't that kind of pressure either. Oh and I do have skills. Its not like I spent the last 8 years working at the Clam Hut.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Can you estimate for me how long it will take?

Well, let’s see. 6 hours of actual work, plus 2 hours for the meeting to discuss the plan. 1 hour meeting to actually plan. 1.5 hour meeting to recap the plan. Half hour meeting to confirm the plan and make any last minute changes. 3 hour meeting at the halfway point to discuss whether the plan needs to modified, and if so, schedule another 1 hour meeting to discuss those changes. 2 hour meeting after the work is done to discuss if we did it the right way. 1 hour meeting to discuss when to release it. 3 hour meeting after the release to discuss how to modify it again because one customer doesn’t like it. 1 hour meeting to make a plan to change the current release. 3 hours to make that change...etc, etc.

Have you ever...

Talked in your sleep, sleep walked, or maybe dreamed of standing in front of a urinal only to awaken to a sudden spreading warmth? Well, last night, I spit in my sleep. I vaguely remember dreaming of being in some sort of showdown, and I spit in the dream to show my disdain for my opponent. I awoke instantly to a warm slippery mess of saliva running down my neck.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Inferiority or Superiority

My daughter just had her 4 year old check up at the doctor. No surprise, but she is in the 90th percentile for height. Her little brother, a self-described "shorty pants", was recently bumped up to the 25th at his recent 18th month appointment. This was exciting because up until that point he has spent his entire life languishing in the 5th percentile. The oldest, while I don't know where he technically ranks amongst his peers, is perpetually among the shortest in his classes, sports teams, etc.

Now, I am trying to guess in the coming years who is going to have the bigger complex, the teenage girl who is taller than both her brothers, or her midget brothers who have to get their sister to defend them.

Why must you hurt me?

I take care of you. I change your oil, and give you new spark plugs. You never want for a new air filter, and your brakes, they've never squealed. Are you shod in retreads? No, its nothing but the finest. Goodyear Wranglers for you ,my dear. A quality sound system is in your dash, and thick rubber floormats protect your rugs. So why must you be so difficult? Why didn't you start this morning? I was just taking you to the garage for an inspection. I wouldn't let another man get under your hood, I swear. Oh? Whats this now? I haven't fixed the rust spot on your front left fender and the scrape on your tailgate? I told you before, I'm busy and I don't know how to do body work. I work hard to buy you all the things you need. You could help me out a little by cutting back on the old gasoline, you know. What? OH. That is SO like you. How many times do I have to say I am sorry for not changing your oil until 4000 miles last year? Let it go. It was the dead of winter and it was cold. That's it. Forget it. This discussion is over.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

This Date in History

Happy 10th Anniversary Steph.

Apparently, the metal associated with the 10th anniversary is tin. I should be able to swing that. I think I saw a Diamonique tin ring with matching tin earrings on QVC last night.

Maple Cream

In lieu of another review about Squamscot soda, I leave you to ponder the lyrics to The Final Countdown by Europe.

We're leaving together,

But still it's farewell

And maybe we'll come back,

To earth, who can tell?

I guess there is no one to blame

We're leaving ground

Will things ever be the same again?

It's the final countdown...

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all

With so many light years to go and things to be found

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so.

What? Can't Hear You.

Nothing drowns out the phones ringing, The Veeg®'s stories of sex with her barely legal boyfriend, my bosses whiny nasally monotone, and another girl's violent cubicle shaking sneezes like a little System of a Down on ye olde iPod.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

You Make Me Proud

In light of the recent hate crime perpetrated at work, I decided against putting a test student's primary language in the system as Engrish.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Fabulous Movie Review

Saw II

I'll just come right out and say it, I was very disappointed in Saw II. It's an okay movie, but the acting was pretty poor at times. It used a lot of standard issue horror movie clichés and just threw more blood in the mix to distract us. A lot of the traps in the house weren't as imaginative as what was portrayed in the first movie either. I would have liked more time developing the characters trapped in the house and less banter between Jigsaw and the detective.

The ending did have a good twist though, and I still think it was a much better horror than most others I have seen. 3.14159265 stars out of 5.

Sucker Fruit Punch Bowl

Tried the Fruit Bowl flavor of Squamscot soda today and I was expecting more mediciney aftertaste delight ala Black Cherry and Strawberry, but that wasn't the case. It was actually good. Just like fruit punch with ginger ale in it. The most inoffensive and therefore most common large gathering drink known to man. The only thing missing was the rainbow sherbet.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Fabulous Movie Review


Always dismissed by me as some silly slasher flick geared toward brain dead teenagers, I have no idea what prompted me to watch this movie. Maybe it was the 7.6 rating it has on IMDB, or because the Dread Pirate Roberts starred in it. Maybe I just wanted a good old fashioned scare, or perhaps I secretly hoped the 60 year old man with the handlebar mustache at the video store would think I was cool. The point is, I am an indecisive man prone to whimsy and unpredictable behaviour.

Expecting the worse, I was pleasantly surprised. Saw actually has a plot. An interesting plot. To be honest, it wasn't what I expected at all. Not as disturbing or gory or scary as I had believed, it was no worse, in my estimation, than Silence of the Lambs. Whoa whoa whoa, I am NOT saying it is as good a movie as SotL! Just that it is not any more horror inducing, probably less in fact.

As my brother correctly pointed out, Saw did get a little overdramatic at the end, but it still earned 4 stars out of 5.


Somehow, despite the fact that I have not worked on anything mechanical in at least a month, I just discovered that I have two motor oil stains on my good work jeans. Nothing is safe.