Do they wear contacts?

Now, I couldn't tell you the last horror movie I watched, its been a loooooong time, but I want to see The Hills Have Eyes. And actually, I would like to see it in the theater. I don't know why...I just do.

If anyone wants to go with me just let me know.

[Update: The link is fixed now...]

My Name is Earl

There are 2 days, 7 hours and 17 minutes until the next Earl

Here's to you Somersworth

For diligently cleaning all of the snowbanks off the downtown sidewalks with a collection of loaders, bobcats and dump trucks after every dinky little snowstorm and ensuring you spend every dollar of your snow removal budget during this unusually mild winter, I salute you.

Gator Bob

I have had alligator jerky which was simply devine.

Lynn Gamgee

I think Lynn McGill was seeing a whole room full of Gollums last night.

Remember when he first appeared in the show this season and he insisted on everybody (well, maybe not everybody) calling each other Mr. or Miss? It reminded me of how he always called Frodo, Mr. Frodo. I wonder if that was on purpose.

McGill: Sit down, Mr. Buchanan.
Buchanan: Would you stop with the "Mr. Buchanan"?

Other Tasty Animals

I got to thinking, what are some other animals that are probably tasty but I've never eaten them, and are there any good recipes for them. Here's the list, in order by most want to eat:

rabbit
goose
wild boar
ostrich
kangaroo
moose
duck
goat
frog

Oooooo, I found this site that has recipes for animals I never even considered, like woodchuck.

One animal I could never bring myself to eat, possum. They look like giant rats undergoing chemotherapy. I stepped out my back door one night and a giant one went scurrying across my path about 2 feet. It scared the crap out of me.

Oh yeah, and raccoons. Any animal notorious for eating garbage and getting rabies is definitely off the list.

Mmmm

I'll eat just about anything, but I have to draw the line at testicles. Hey, look at that they have testicle festivals. Sounds like fun.

Mmmm

We have a lot of squirrels in our back yard due to several large oak trees dumping thousands of pounds of acorns on our lawn every year. Some of these squirrels look very plump and I got to thinking, where could I find a good recipe for squirrel stew? Beats me, lets Google it.

Hmmm, now I just need to find someone to shoot and clean the squirrels for me.

Fun Puzzle-Type Game

If you are into fun puzzle-type games.

Grow Cube

Random Email Exchanges

Between me and the woman whose cube I repeatedly ransack (names changed to protect the innocent)

======================================================
From: Penelope Pitstop
Sent: Friday, February 17, 2006 3:10 PM
To: Max Power
Subject:RE:

It really bugs me when you show up for work

------------------------------------------------------

From: Max Power
Sent: Friday, February 17, 2006 3:08 PM
To: Penelope Pitstop
Subject:

It really bugs me when they stand in my cube and talk

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

The Flying Circus returns! This could only be described as a good thing.

Nate's Hill

So called because he wiped out, bad, coming down the other side of The Hill. We were turning around and going back to help him.

The Hill

Just a nice little hill at Buffalo Mountain, somewhere on trail 23.

Grubby, Live and Unmuffled

The first of the 3 mpegs that I made last night.

His muffler fell off. We wanted to know how loud it would be, so maybe we didn't have to try to put it back on until we got home.

This happened at Rockhouse, Rob could probably tell you what trail it was on.

I Simultaneously Love and Hate Technology (part 2)

So, I've got all this great footage. Now I need to get it on my computer and eventually on DVDs to give as Christmas gifts.

I purchased a firewire card on eBay for 4.95. It was brand new and it came with the cable and Ulead VideoStudio 5. Did you know that VideoStudio is up to version 9 now? No? I didn't either, but I do now. When I went to their website to see if I could get some help in actually using this P.O.S.S. The last "S" stands for software.

The capturing part went awesome. I plugged the camcorder in and it was instantly recognized by the computer. I pressed the capture button in the software, play on the camcorder and let it do its thing.

After capturing all of the footage contained on 8 tapes, I've got 12 files ranging in size from 3gb to 13gb. The quality of the video is amazing. I probably should have started with transferring just one tape though and working with that until I get the hang of it. I was (am) a little overwhelmed.

Now what do I do. The software sucks. I can't even describe how much it sucks. It has an interface where everything is a picture, no text describing what that picture means. I HATE that. At first I wanted to make a few clips to upload to the internets for my friends to see. I mess around with it for what seems like hours and finally I am able to make 3 clips. The software didn't want to cut the scenes out where I wanted it to. It was always clipping a few seconds early or running to long. When you are trying to make something that people can actually download in less than an hour those extra seconds of footage can mean a lot.

So, anyway, I am finally kinda sorta happy with the results and now I go to save my clips. Hmmm, mpeg 1. What?! No mpeg 2? Isn't that required for making DVDs? I have no idea. I need newer software. Maybe I should try the Windows MovieMaker.

I get the files saved as mpegs and I watch them and I am horrified at the quality. They really suck compared to the originals. I dunno. There must be some settings that I can tweak or what not.

I'm just not that excited about making DVDs now. It seems like a horrible pain.

Maybe some software that is Y2K compliant will help. I'll keep you posted, because I know you are dying to know.

I Simultaneously Love and Hate Technology (part 1)

Last year before our annual trip to West Virginia, I purchased a helmet cam and a Canon ZR60 on eBay (actually I purchased 3 Canon ZR60s, the first two didn't work).

The helmet cam attaches to the side of my helmet with velcro, it is powered by 8 AA batteries, and it plugs into the camcorders analog input. You use the camcorder as a VCR and it records what the helmet cam sends it.

Its very slick. I enjoyed doing it a lot and I plan on doing it again when we go back there in 40 days. The quality of the footage is truly amazing considering the environment that it is filming in.

I did have some issues.

I went through 32 double AA batteries. Thats a lot. Not only was it expensive, but I lost an hours worth of footage because the batteries had died once and I didn't know. Also, it was a real pain in the neck changing the batteries out on the trail.

I spent half the time trying to dodge mud holes because I was afraid of getting crud on the helmet cam and ruining our footage.

Another issue that I experienced was the mini DV tapes only hold an hour's worth of video. Again, like the batteries, it is very difficult to change the tapes out on the trail. Even more so than the batteries because you dont want to get any dirt in the camera.

The last issue is that I had the camcorder, extra camcorder batteries, the battery pack for the helmet cam, extra AA batteries, and extra tapes all crammed into a backpack. It was heavy, I couldn't ride as fast as I wanted to and getting in and out of the whole get up was tough. Especially when everything is covered in dust and/or mud.

So, what kind of solutions have I come up with to make the whole experience more enjoyable?

A couple of friends and I toyed with the idea of adding a plug to my ATV that could power the helmet cam. It seems like a lot of work and hassle to go through, but it would probably work well. The other solution is to use 8 D batteries instead of AA. They will weigh more and take up more space, but they will last longer. Actually when you figure in the weight of all the spare AAs I carried they probably wont weigh much more.

As far as the mud holes are concerned...screw it. I am going to ride as fast as I can and enjoy myself. If we lose some footage. Oh well.

I can't do much about the mini DV tapes, other than replace the camcorder with one of these. Oh man oh man. Maybe next year.

And the last issue? I am going to get a tank bag. At the very least, I'll be able to keep the camcorder in it. Not only will this take some weight off my back, but it'll be easier to check how much tape is left, change the tape, check the battery status, etc.

Something else I want to try, just to add variety to the footage, is to turn the helmet cam around so it is filming who is behind me. I think that it would be kinda cool.

I can't wait.

I apologize in advance....

Whilst working at the help desk, I made this picture for the guy who sat next to me and hung it in his cube.

Hell Desk

Back in the old days, I used to work at Cabletron in Rochester, NH. And for a two year period, the help desk. If you don't know what a help desk is, here's a brief run down. Four or five people are on the phones answering calls from angry people who hate you and whose computers are broken. At least half of the time you were powerless to fix the person's problem because it required the assistance of some "Admin" who was better than Jack Bauer at keeping their location a secret, didn't answer their phone or return email, ignored the "tickets" we put in the system, probably sacrificed small animals to their god, and stole quarters from the donations bin for the Ronald McDonald house.

Now, I was also in charge of maintaining the help desk's website. It was pretty pathetic really. But anyway, I was digging through some old stuff the other day, looking for some code and I stumbled upon these images that I made for that website. Lame I know, but hey, it was 1997.




























We were also required to have a small personal website, and this I made for that. Note the bubbles. Yeah. I'm a boob.

Some of these are funny

Some are NOT funny and some are direct copies of Chuck Norris facts...

Go straight to the Top 60 for the best ones.

As always, the usual warnings about foul language apply.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice

Gold, baby, gold!

New Favorite Word

whilst

Hey, that looks like a good deal

The funny thing about this house is my wife and I actually looked at it 8 years ago the last time it was for sale.

We didn't like it then when it was only $74,900 and we definitely don't like it now at $169,900. Besides just being an overall dump (although that doesn't really discourage me), it only had one bathroom, on the first floor, and the "yard" was actually just a 5 foot perimeter around the house. Plus, I felt an evil presence in the living room. There were other things about it we didn't like too. If I remember correctly, I think there were some creepy neighbors, although its Rotchester so thats pretty hard to avoid.

Other than new shingles around the bottom of the porch it doesn't look like they've done anything to it. Its even the same color. Who knows what they did on the inside, but I am guessing nothing since even though the value of the house has more than doubled, $170K is still pretty flippin' cheap nowadays.

By the way, I was just kidding about the evil presence.

Of course, the present owners wife is probably going to find this post and start to cry because I made fun of her house and possibly discouraged some buyers. And then her husband is going to track me down and roundhouse kick me until I can't tell my crack from my cranum. Oh well.

Oh, Earl, How I Miss Thee

Second straight Thursday with no Earl. Its just not fair. Next week though he'll be back. I'll survive. I'm a trooper.

Man, I wish I could grow sideburns and a mustache like that. Seriously, I do.

The Perpetual Plant Grower

Wife and I finished watching The Constant Gardener last night (it takes us two nights to watch a movie). I'm no movie reviewer, unless it involves pistols and/or the Man with no Name, so I am just going to say that I liked it.

Operation Hell Gate

I never ever read books based on TV shows or movies, but I just might need to give these a shot, because plain and simple Jack Bauer is cool.

Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?

I am real proud of my wife. She actually watched Snatch while I was at work. She's never watched it before. I only wish she had waited until I got home...

Now, you can't just stop at Snatch. You just finished your Introduction to Fiction class, and you can't stop there. You have to move up to bigger and better things. English Literature!

What is this raving lunatic talking about?

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, of course.

I love Snatch. I think it is a great movie, but if you have never seen Lock, Stock... well, it's like eating hamburger but never eating steak. It's like your grandmother's famous spaghetti sauce but she used hot dogs in it instead of sausage. It's like going to Longhorn and ordering chicken. (whats with all of the food analogies?)

Just watch the movie, okay?

You're Fired

I switched to Axe deodorant because it smelled good, my previous brand, Arrid, did a good job in the odor department but it left a little bit to be desired in the perspiration department, and I'll admit I was hooked by the advertising.

Now if I have to choose between smelling bad and sweating, I am going to choose sweating. The thing is, I dont want to choose. The Axe deodorant smells great when I dont exert myself all day, but after going up and down the three flights of stairs in my building just once my pits begin to smell like I am cooking a pot roast in them.

Thats just not acceptable. I'm sorry.

I think I'm old enough to use Old Spice now. Maybe I'll give that a shot. Is Secret still strong enough for a man?

Wacky Tobacky

There is a couple (a husband and wife) that work here at my company who I swear must have met in drug rehab.

This is Cool

Because it tells you where all of the Easter Eggs are.

Gently Aged in an Oak Barrel

Some people say my hats are filthy. I say that they are gently aged and have obtained a wonderful patina of mellow gold and rustic hues.

These hats are getting old though. The plastic adjustment things in the back are starting to wear out, and thats the first sign. Time to buy another one and start working it into the rotation. In case you are wondering, the reason I don't wash them is because I don't want them to fade. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Hmm, dirty hat or faded hat? Faded hat or dirty hat?


I have nothing against faded hats or those who wear them. I just prefer mine vibrantly blue (and brown).

They used to be a little dirtier, but all the rain we've had this winter has taken its toll.

Oh yeah, a mildly funny story about these hats. I was in a large mob trying to squeeze onto the T on my way to a Red Sox game, and I heard some guy behind me say, "Hey, that guys got Trot Nixon's hat." I assumed he was talking about me, and I took it as a compliment. I didn't turn around though, because I was afraid of tripping and getting stampeded.

















(image of trot's hat from The Red Seat)

Buried Alive

It goes without saying, but I hope they can get these people out. Nobody deserves that fate.

The same goes for the Mexican miners too.

Being trapped like that has got to be one of my greatest fears. That, and getting my toes bit off by a snapping turtle while swimming in a pond.

I wrote a story in a fiction class in college about someone who was trapped in a pile of rubble after an earthquake. I got an A.

In that same class I also wrote a story called The Old Man and the Wiener Dog which was a parody of Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea. I only got a B on that one. I was robbed.

What does that have to do with people trapped under the earth? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Hello

My name is Andy and its been 344 days since my last haircut.

Can't Hardly Wait

This is gonna be awesome.

Its weird how this article is in the Chicago Sun Times.

And also, I love the references to the Hatfield-McCoy trail system in West Virginia. We can only hope that our trail system will be half as good as theirs.

This is a GOOD thing for that area of New Hampshire. I've been down to West Virginia 5 times and you can see the positive economic impact that the trail system has had.

The Wrath of Khan

When I studied World History in high school I always thought Genghis Khan was cool too.

Fade to Black

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world. People who like Metallica and people who dont know that they like Metallica.

I fall into the category of 1A. I like Metallica, but its been a long time since I listened to them.

My entire Metallica collection was stolen from my car around 1994ish. I never replaced them.

Years went by but I just didn't feel like shelling out the dough to replace them all. Even though in the back of my mind I knew I wanted to.

Heavy Metal is soooo eighties I told myself. New bands stole my heart. I like Phish, the Dead, the Allman Brothers, Cream and Jimi Hendrix now, I said to the voice in my head. Not to mention all of the new stuff, the White Stripes, etc. (Please note, I ALWAYS liked Led Zeppelin. Always. Pre and post Metallica.)

Alas, I borrowed Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets from the woman at work whose cube I execute random acts of mayhem against and I am hooked once again.

Fade to Black, Master of Puppets, Sanitarium, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Battery...

Ahh, it takes me back. To be 19 again...ugh. Screw that. I don't ever want to be 19 again. Yuck.

Twenty-nine was cool. I'll stick with that. Actually, 27 was better. Yeah. 27.

Jeez, What Did We Do Now?

Now, don't worry, I am not going to get all political on you, but I found two things in this article amusing.

The first being that they stormed the U.S. Embassy protesting DANISH cartoons. Ok, fine. They were probably published in the U.S. too, because we are you know free like that, but I don't know that for sure.

The second is this phrase "while tens of thousands rallied in the Turkish city of Istanbul and complained about negative Western perceptions of Islam". I don't know. It just made me shake my head. Seeing as how they are killing people and all. About some cartoons.

Random Images of the Youngest Kids

Aaron with a mouthful of mac and cheese. Delicious.















Alyssa, right before her head spun around 360 degrees. Also eating mac and cheese.

Denied!

Sorry, Rob, the fact that I submitted to the Chuck Norris fact site was rejected. I'm not surprised. I mean, how can I compete with the brilliant minds who penned these treasures:

Everytime Chuck Norris eats a crippled or retarded child here in the U.S., a baby is born in China. That explains China's extremely large population.

Why did the midget cross the road? Because Chuck Norris pistol-whipped it in the skull.

Chuck Norris' family crest is a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once turned into a muffin and exploded... Later that day Tim Horton's was established.

Oh well. I am going to submit another fact right now:

Chuck Norris submitted a fact to this site and it was rejected. Ian, Mike, Tom and Greg have never been seen again.

(Ian, Mike, Tom and Greg are the guys who apparently run this site)

Awww, How Cute

And I pledge to promise to do my best To do my duty to God and my country, To help other people, and To obey the Law of the Pack.

I am glad they are getting along now. Seeing as howing The Big Redneck doesn't have any choice now. What a dick.

A lot of you might not remember. but last season ARod and Sheffield started off the same way (cue flashback music)...

In Spring Training they realized they had a lot in common and their relationship blossomed:



















By April their relationship had grown to the point where they were afraid they might attract the attention of Steinbrenner and the New York Media, so they were trying keep it quiet:












May, however, saw them throw caution to the wind and proclaim their love on the field as you can see here. ARod, ever the bitch, tries to resist, but its futile. Their love is consummated:

















Unfortunately, after this incident, Jeter found out and was obviously angry about being cheated on. (I always new he would fight like a girl):














June, unfortunately, brought a fight between ARod and Sheffield like none other. Which reportedly started because ARod was tired of being the submissive one. Actually he was tired of being the dominant one. No, the submissive one. Or was it the dominant one. Oh well, only ARod knows for sure:















After which Sheffield realized that Jeter was the one for him and he and Jeter made up the next day (actually they made up three times):





















However, Derek lived to regret the rekindling of the flame when he was hit with the infamous "what are you thinking about?" question a few weeks later:
























And being intimidated by ARod for "messing with his man":



















All worked out for the best though because by the end of the season during the last series with Boston they all put aside their differences and decided to make the best of it. Here they are after who knows what went on behind the Green Monster:



















Awww, I love a happy ending.

Oh Evil One

My cat killed a blue jay today. His second one in a month. I thought birds flew south for the winter? Did the warm weather confuse them? What do birds think about when a cat springs out of nowhere and grasps them with its claws, besides OH CRAP of course?

At least I didn't have to watch him toy with this bird's life like the last one. It was just there, dead, when I took the trash out.

I Love David Dunbar Buick

When people ask me what I would buy if I won the lottery I tell them a 1987 Buick Grand National. Well, I used to tell them that, but I got tired of explaining why. Now I just say a brand new Corvette Z06, but in my mind I am thinking GRAND NATIONAL.

Why? BUG OFF! I am tired of explaining.

Its all silly to think about anyway since I dont play the lottery and I am neither smart or dedicated enough to make enough money where I can justify spending 20 grand on a car that I will only drive 1000 miles a year.

Do I wish that Buick would make a new Grand National, what with the resurgence of the rear wheel drive muscle car and the whole retro movement? NO. I do not. Buick and/or General Motors would just screw it up. Just like they screw up everything (except the Corvette).

I will probably end up with something like this 1987 Regal, which is interesting because it is the same color as my first Regal which was a 1979. Or something like this. Either way I'll be happy.

Bag of Dirt

Yeah, that's YOU

Just testing....

Blogger is broke.

In Loving Memory

In honor of my roommate in college who used to save all his Kodiak lippy tins (thats what he called it, lippy tin...), I am saving all of my Orbit boxes.

What can I say? I am feeling nostalgic. He was a funny guy.

Goin' Down the Highway Doin' 64

Theres a HUGE bump at the bottom of a hill on 236 and it stretches across both lanes so there is no escaping it.

I was behind a school bus the other day and it hit the bump at about 50 mph. I cringed. Usually I slow to 30 when I go over it. But anyway the back tires came OFF the ground and then bounced around side to side and all over the place for about 20 feet. I know some kids hit their heads on the roof of the bus, seeing as how school buses dont have seat belts and all.

If I was unemployed, I would spend a day just videotaping people going over that bump.

Yesterday, a guy in a beat up Escort went over the bump after me. I watched him in my rearview mirror and I saw sparks fly as the front of his car bottomed out. Nice.

Congratulations!

For escaping with your life, Rob. Consider yourself lucky.

Update: I submitted a fact at the Chuck Norris Random Fact website.

"A friend of mine had his picture taken with Chuck Norris and he lived to tell about it. For now."

It'll probably get rejected by the Nazis who run that sight, especially when there is such quality facts on there right now like:

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5.
When playing dodgeball, Chuck Norris will often light his opponents on fire, with lazer beams from his eyes.

CRAAAAAAP!

At least you know I tried Rob.

Oh Well, If HE Says We Should....

Hey Kofi, go to hell.

If our government does cave in to UN pressure, I will be removing the "W" sticker from my truck's window (sorry, Rob). I almost did when he nominated that woman (Bea Arthur I think it was) for the Supreme Court, but I decided to hold off (please note, I have nothing against women on the Supreme Court, just that one).

What in the World

is a showbag?

I knew it all along

and this just proves it. Sammy Sosa is a big fat crybaby.

Good bye.

I'm sure he will be elected to the Hall of Fame, I just hope it isn't on the first ballot.

Valentines Day

I forgot to mention that the woman whose desk I vandalize gave me a dead fly for Valentines Day.

ARRRRRGH! Ye Treasonous Scurvy Dogs!

Several of my turncoat coworkers spilled the beans while I was at lunch. They told her about the air fresheners.

ARRRRRRGH!

Now what am I going to do with the rest of the ones that I bought?

Ow My Eyes!

12:03 PM

She went out to the break room and I seized the opportunity to place a berry patch air freshener under her keyboard tray.

12:05 PM

The smell is overpowering. My eyes...burn. My lungs...ache.

12:07 PM

She returns. Sits down. Begins to work.

12:08 PM

Apparently she does not notice! Unbelievable! How? I'm 5 feet away and near death, but yet she is within the epicenter and is unfazed. Amazing.

Dem Bones

I had a lovely Valentines Eve night out with my wife last night (she's working tonight). We went to Smokey Bones and it was great because we only had to wait 5 minutes before being seated. Also, Curling was on one of the televisions. Nice.

After dinner we went to play pool at Legends in Portsmouth. It was fun. The place is a little bit more run down than it was the last time I was there and the felt on the tables is threadbare, but it was still better than hanging out at Buster's with all of the Rochester and Somersworth hoodlums.

All in all, a very good evening. And tonight I will be free to finish watching Kung Fu Hustle.

mal-OH-duhr-uhs

Wal-mart's selection wasn't any better than Rite-Aid's. I ended up buying coconut and a flavor from another company called Blossom which smells pretty bad. Like an old womans perfume.

Then I stopped at Autozone. They had Leather but it didn't strike me as being pungent enough, but they did have Berry Patch which is deliciously malodorous.

Now, if she would just leave her desk for a minute...

Little Trees

Wow, there are a lot of flavors of little tree air fresheners available!

I need to go to Wal-mart tonight and see what they have. I bought the previous batch of air fresheners at Rite-Aid and their selection was slim.

Just glancing at the catalog a few flavors jump out at me, such as Spiced Patchouli (yuck!) and Savannah Heat (what is THAT? a pleasant mixture of giraffe dung and rotting animal carcasses?). I doubt I will be lucky enough to find either of those flavors, but who knows. I've been lucky before.

Some other flavors might not be offensive (oh who am I kidding, they're all offensive) but would definitely get someones attention like Peppermint or maybe Leather or Lively Lemon.

And what the heck do Dragon and Cobra smell like? Not good I bet.

Air Freshener Update

I hate to see a carefully laid out plan fail.

When I came to work this morning, I was actually nervous that the proverbial poop was going to hi the fan and I was going to be in deep doo doo. I couldn't have been more wrong. Our room when I walked in had a light strawberry smell to it, not foul odor I had hoped for. I walked by the woman's cube and she said good morning to me in a friendly manner, not like someone who was plotting my execution.

To say I was disappointed, would be an understatement.

At first I thought that maybe someone had removed the air fresheners over the weekend, but, no, I checked, they are still there. I couldn't understand it. Those things smelled VILE when I removed them from their packages, especially the Cinna-Berry. My only guess is that they wore out; the weekend being too long of a time to expect them to last.

She did notice her drawers smelled like strawberry later on in the day and actually accused me of doing something to her stuff. Naw, I replied, strawberry isn't really my style, I lean more towards mold and mildew.

So what am I going to do? I cant just give up. Tonight I will buy more, and tomorrow during the course of the day, I will hide them in her desk one at a time. Perhaps I will try Pine scented, or vanilla, or create some sort of Pine-Vanilla hybrid smell. Yeah, thats the ticket.

Things I said to the Cat this Weekend

How about you quit buggin' me and I won't kill you

Humans eat before cats do

You sink your claws into my couch again and you'll be part of someones takeout order from China Panda

Isn't there a chipmunk out there somewhere that needs torturing?

So I Lost My Daughter at Wal-mart....

on Saturday. One minute she was climbing on the racks of entertainment centers while I was looking at the cheap DVDs and then next minute she was gone. Did I panic? No. I went and got Tommy who was playing video games in electronics and we split up.

Tom found her. When she got lost, she went and found a Wal-mart employee. Very smart for a three year old, I think. Not so smart for a twenty-eleven year old dad though.

She's so friendly and cheerful and outgoing it didn't even bother her. I wish she could be 3 forever.

It was fun while it lasted...

I'm sure most of you have never seen this show, which is why its no longer on the air. I've only met one other person who actually likes it (the woman whose cube I deface every other day).

I didn't start watching it until halfway through the 2nd season, but it is (was) brilliant. And thanks to the magic of tv shows on DVD, I'll be able to watch all the episodes I didn't see and the ones I did over and over and over. You should too.

The Victim at Work

So, I took my friend's, Bealsebub and Big A, advice, and purchased two packs of car air fresheners to use in my next office prank. Each pack contains 3, so I had 6 total. Three strawberry and 3 cinna-berry. The cinna-berry are by far the worst smelling.

As soon as I opened one package everybody who was still at work on Friday immediately noticed. They are pungent.

I attached one underneath her keyboard tray, one each under her two drawers, one dangling in the back of her computer by the computers exhaust fan, and one underneath her chair. Thats only 5, you say? Well, I stuck the last one in her top drawer under some CDs. You know, where it could found easily, just to throw her off the trail.

My only fear is that the entire ROOM will smell so bad on Monday morning that I might get in trouble. I may go in tomorrow afternoon to check out the scene and maybe remove some of the air fresheners.

Moderation, Andy, everything in moderation.

Very Interesting...

I never played in a league where we were named after real teams, only things like "Davidson Rubber", "D.F. Richard", "Merchants Bank" or "Elks", so I can't say for sure how devastated I would have been by having to be on the "Yankees". Although, if I reach down deep and examine my heart, I probably would have made fun of any friends who were unlucky enough to be on the "Yankees".

This will be a tough sell in Connect-A-Cut as they are very divided in their loyalties.

Dead (errr, Right) On

Tales from the Crypt

Back around the time the Super Soaker squirt guns first hit the market and thereby created a whole new industry of super powered squirt artillery, I had a Ford Tempo and a disposition towards mischief.

I did not purchase a Super Soaker, but I did buy several of something similar. It was more of a cannon, and you didn't pump it. You slowly pulled back on one of the two handles and then the force of pushing the handle back in forced a large stream of water out the nozzle. It was great. It held about a liter of water and we always brought extra gallons of water with us.

So what sort of mischief did we do with our water cannons? We drove around squirting other cars, of course. There were three basic maneuvers.

The first was when you were parked at a stop light next to another car and you squirted their drivers window. If timed well, the light would turn green soon thereafter and you could speed away, laughing of course.

The second involved taking a left turn and squirting the windshield of the car that you are driving by stopped at the red light. This maneuver is great because you can really see the surpise on their faces through their drivers window, and also, there is almost no way they can chase you.

The third maneuver was dangerous for the people in the car being squirted so we rarely did it, but basically while driving, not stopped at a light or anything, you pass a car and squirt the water up in the air and in front of the victim's car. They basically drive into a wall of water. Very funny, indeed.

Please note, all of these maneuvers benefit from having as many people in your car with water cannons as possible.

So, anyway I told you all of that to tell you this...

One time, my good high school friend Russhole and I were out squirting cars and we performed a #1 on a car. It was especially funny because the woman driver screamed and also, her window was open a crack, so you know she got a little wet. Hehe.

Our laughter soon died however.

We made one big mistake. Normally after performing a #1 you need to make a getaway, just in case. For whatever reason, I drove about a mile and then decided to take a left turn. I got stuck sitting there because of the large amount of traffic.

Next thing you know there is our victim, who has an angry long haired derelict boyfriend in the passengers seat. Hmmm, didn't notice him before. So he's screaming something at us which I dont remember, and then he hocks up a big loogy and spits it at Russhole who is in my passenger seat. Oh it was so nasty, but, man, I laughed and laughed and laughed. Even now writing this I am laughing my butt off.

Russhole tried to downplay it by saying most of it hit the window. So why did you jump and get that look on your face like you smelled a skunk, I asked. I was just pretending, he said. That made me laugh even more.

Random Images of the Present

Some pictures of my current cubicle at MSB, February 2006.

This is what my cube looks like on Monday morning:

This is my cube Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday:

And this is what it looks like on Friday, more specifically, Friday after lunch:

Random Images of the Past

My cube at Cabletron, Friday, January 7, 2000. I wasn't big on cube flair back then, sticking to the most basic elements, pictures of 4 wheelers. See the stainless steel coffee mug that my sister got me for Christmas that year? Stolen. Right off my desk. I think I got to use it once.

Touché

I made fun of a guy yesterday for saying dude and sweet in the same sentence. Later on in the day, I did it too.

Thou Art Beautiful!

The furnace in that farmhouse I was talking about earlier. I told you it was thing of beauty. Go here to see more photos.

You're not allowed to watch The Simpsons?

Saturday after Aaron's birthday party I decided to throw in The Simpsons season 7. Well, my son Tommy's previously mentioned friend was over and he said that he wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons. Huh? What? I was flabbergasted.

My confusion was not because he wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons, that I can understand, but at the fact that this kid watches, plays, collects, and reads every piece of crap cartoon that has ever come out of Japan (not to mention the whole Back Street Boys incident). The first thing he says every time we see him is "Today I got the new [insert crappy japanese trading cards here]" or "Today I beat the new [insert crappy japanese video game here]" or "Today I watched the new [insert crappy japanese cartoon here]". Ugh. It drives me nuts. And just for the record, while my kids do watch The Simpsons, its only when I am around because I know which episodes are acceptable to children, and they are NOT allowed to become involved in any of that Japanese crap.

Oh yeah, since he's not allowed to watch The Simpsons I made him and Tommy to go play on the porch.

Nerf Pool

My Nerf Pool set arrived yesterday. Man, its just as much fun as I remember. Although, if you hit a ball too hard that is close to the elastic mesh bumper, the ball will go under the bumper. I seem to remember this making me mad when I was a kid, but now I think it just adds a challenge to the game.

Seezin Sicks and Sevin and Ate (and Knine)

I know I mentioned that I was watching season 7 of The Simpsons on DVD, but I also recently watched season 6 which is also excellent. Now I need to go back and listen to the commentary (just a little, I can only take so much), watch the other special features and wait patiently for season 8.

I know that I maligned every season after season 7, but as I was looking at the episode guide for season 8, there are some really really good episodes. The episode where Homer gets a new job working for Hank Scorpio, my favorite Sideshow Bob episode where he works for his brother Cecil building a dam, the one where Rodney Dangerfield is Mr. Burns' illegitimate son, and Marge's pretzel business where Homer hires the mob to make sure her business is successful are some of the ones I remember as being top notch.

Lets see...what else was good. Itchie and Scratchy and Poochie. Oooo Frank Grimes! I love that episode.

Ahhh. I've bored everyone enough now. Good bye.

P.S. Ok, I couldn't resist looking ahead to season 9. It contains a great episode where carnies move into the Simpsons house. I love that one.

So I drove a Honda Ridgeline this weekend....

And I wasn't let down. Its just a beautiful piece of machinery. It handles well and the ergonomics are superb.

I am always amazed when I see a Honda vehicle, the Odyssey or Element for example, at the attention to details. Honda gets all the little things right. They think of everything and nothing is just tacked on.

I was a little disappointed at the power though. It just seemed like 250 hp should accelerate faster.Don't get me wrong, it was much faster than my current truck which I can out run 0-25, but my current truck also has a surprising amount of low end torque which is good for hauling 3 ATVs to West Virginia. I'm sure the Honda can haul 3 ATVs too, but just the fact that I am wondering about it is too bad.

But anyway, if at all possible (i.e. money) there will be a Ridgeline in my driveway someday.

Spam

Does anybody know if Spam smells bad after its been taken out of its can and allowed to age without proper refrigeration?

Wow. You Got Me.

Remember the woman at work who I have a little practical joke competition with? Well, last Thursday night after she left, I went to the first aid kit in the bathroom and got a band aid. I proceeded to the fridge in the break room to find some ketchup. Not finding any I spied a can of V8 in the very back. Checking the date on the bottom and noticing that it was 'best used before September 2004', I decided nobody would be missing it.

I was a little dissapointed with the V8, I thought that ketchup would work better as a blood subsitute. Man, was I wrong. The consistency allowed it to soak into the cotton pad just like real blood, and while the color was just a little yellower than real dried blood would be, it was still pretty convincing.

I left the little surprise on her keyboard tray next to her mouse.

I wish I could have been there to see her reaction (most people get to work before me). I heard there was a lot of hyperventilating and hands waving in the air. Ahh. Satisfaction.

So, anyway, this morning I got here and walked past this womans cube and began to enter mine, when my eyes sent a distress signal to my brain. "Somethings wrong!" they said. My brain noticed something wrong also, but can't quite figure it out.

A couple of seconds later, my jaw dropped, I start to drool, my stomach switched places with my Adam's apple and I became catatonic.

My cube. My beatiful cube. Everything I had on my walls was gone. My Red Sox poster, Red Sox calendar, dozens of miscellaneous Red Sox photos, front page newspapers from The Day After, Corvette pictures, my David Ortiz plaque, my 2004 Red Sox schedule, my Red Sox Christmas ornament, 450R magazine pictures, and my Napolean Dymate pin. All gone. Nothing remained but a few tacks on the wall. Just like the Grinch had been there.

A lesser man would have cried.

Payback, my friend, is a female dog.

You could trouble me for a warm glass of SHUT THE HELL UP!

Seriously, Johnny.

There are three kinds of Red Sox fans.

1. Those who hate your guts and want your arm to fall off the next time you throw a ball and/or die
2. Those who are confused about your break up and hope you change your mind
3. (I fall into this category) Those who are willing to move on, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones because you were an integral part of The Team, and we love you for that.
   

But if you keep running your mouth (this isnt the first time either), you are going to alienate numbers 2 and 3 (the vast majority i bet) and we will make your life miserable for the 19 regular season and 7 postseason games our respectives teams play against each other each year.

I'll admit I was sad when you left. You were my favorite Red Sox player while you were here. We're both center fielders, speedy, good contact hitters with occasional power, and the ladies love us...but I dont hate you. I could and I should but I don't, but I might if you keep rubbing it in.

I almost named my son after you! And I was worried you'd end up as a child molester or something. Little did I know you would end up as something worse...

The new Nike slogan that you will be hawking should be Just Shut Up!

If you play your cards right, in 5 years you could be like Clemens, where there are rumors floating around every month that you are returning. You could play first base right?

Think about it.


GOOD


EVIL

Seezin Sevin

I love The Simpsons. I've been watching them for half my life. Oh sure, I'm not religious about being in front of the TV Sundays at 8 as I used to be, but it will always be the funniest show that has ever been on TV.

I'm about halfway through season 7 on DVD, which is just about as good as The Simpson's get. I am a little sad however because I know that Season 7 is the peak, the pinnacle, the Mt. Everest of their run. It's all downhill from here. Each season from this point on has gotten worse.

I'll still buy the rest of the seasons on DVD, of course. Every season has always had a few gems that are worth watching over and over.

A lot of people dont understand what is so funny about The Simpsons. Well, like any good joke, if I have to explain it to you, its not funny anymore.

Last Exit to Springfield
The Simpsons Archive
The Simpsons Channel
No Homers

Hehe

Chuck Norris knows everything

Rock Your Body

So a friend of my son was riding in my truck today and he had his little Walkman thing with him and he was listening to Back Street Boys. And singing along to it. I wanted to beat him up.

If I had raised my son right, he would have done it for me without me even having to ask. Just a quick one-two, to the nose and gut. "Nice job, Son". "Thanks, Dad".

When he sang the word "sexual" I did tell him to turn it off or stop singing to it, but it took a lot of self control not to go thwack!. Chuck Norris wishes he had my self control.

Soooo....

how much for dirty regular? i drive a truck it doesn't need to be that clean. Or even better, what if you dilute it with water, how much is that?