Fabulous Movie Reviews

Once Upon a Time in America
Wow. Not only is this a great movie, it's also freakin' long. It took me two tries to get through it. It's like reading a great book, impossible to get through it one sitting, but so worth it. I know I recently berated a movie for being too long, but this one is different, nothing could be cut out without negatively affecting the story, plus it's better written and there are no special effects attempting to fill space and make up for lack of story telling ability. 4.0 stars out of 5.


Rambo: First Blood Part II
I hadn't seen this movie since I saw it in the theater at the ripe old age on 10 in 1985 with my friend Erik. Luckily, this time around I understood what was happening because I didn't have Erik to explain it to me. I saw three movies in the theater around that time: Ice Pirates, Dune and Rambo and he had to explain all of them to me. His IQ was my IQ² also.

I like this movie. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. It aged well, plus you got the whole POW/MIA emotional thing going. The thought that struck me while watching it was that in 1985 the Vietnam war was no far removed from the nation's collective psyche than Bosnia or Mogadishu is to many of us now, less so even since it was more traumatizing. 3.2 stars out of 5.



Taegukgi hwinalrimyeo
Subtitled and Korean. Not for the faint of heart, but if you love a good war movie with a good story and plenty of action, then this will fit the bill. 1.9679896712654304185392272042815² stars out of 2.2360679774997896964091736687313².

Urination

I know that I have spokem ad nauseum about the crooked urinal at work. Many people have aksed me (okay, nobody has) why I continue to use that urinal.

Well, the answer is simple, really. There are three urinals in the bathroom. The crooked urinal is the left one. On the far right is what I like to call the Billy Madison Special. You remember that scene from the movie, right? Where he is in an elementary school bathroom and falls over while trying to crouch to do his business and Sideburns is secretly spying on him? I tried to find a picture on the Interweb, but instead I stumbled upon this interesting article.

The middle urinal is ideal except that there is no privacy. Who wants to have another man standing 13 inches away, probably getting spray on you, or silently making fun of your shake technique?

So, you see, I have no choice.

I call the urinals Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. Which is fitting because the middle one is the most perfect but it is surrounded by places you would never willingly go to unless you had no choice. The left one is the worst because if you aren't careful it can taint you with its evil current. The right one makes you feel awkward and desirous of leaving as quickly as possible.

I choose to use a stall now, of which there are three. Kentucky, West Virginia, and Virginia. I always stay to the right, but I don't mind the middle one once in a while.

Noodle D'Onofrio

There's a new cast of characters at work that I thought I would introduce. Unfortunately, I don't really interact act with many people, mostly because my particular job doesn't require me to, so I don't have the level of knowledge of their personalities like a Kip or VeeDub. Maybe in the future.

Ms. Noodle
A woman, mid 30s, who wears baggy wool dress pants every day. Every day. Quite bizarre.










Pvt. Pyle
From Full Metal Jacket. He's got shifty eyes that say don't look at me or I will kill you. He's not very intimidating, due to his pudgy 5 foot 4 stature, but me and my 150 lb body wouldn't mess with him. It's been a while since I watched that movie, I need to again.






And lastly, the incomparable, Barry White.
I think he knows who he sounds like though, as evidenced by him referring to all the ladies as baby doll and sugar.

Solitaire

I just discovered my iPod has games on it. Cool. I miss the Solitaire "competitions" me and 12 Gauge would have at my old job. Of course, it wasn't really much of a competition though because his IQ was my IQ².

Whoa

Its late November and I just ate my meal outside. In a t-shirt.

Reserved Words

A checker

Meet the New Van

So here's my new van. Or should I say my wife's new van. Surprisingly, it's my first Chevy. My dad has owned a 100 Chevys. How come this is my first? I dunno.

Our last van was a Ford. A Windstar. It was pretty good for a piece of crap. Generally speaking, I hate Fords. Unless they are Mustangs or F-150s. I owned a Ford Tempo when I was in my late teens. That thing had everything go wrong with it that could possibly go wrong with it plus a couple of extra things. Replacing the clutch took me a week. A CV shaft, 3 days. Brakes, a whole day. That sticks in a man's mechanical memory.

The Windstar we had was a 5000 pound vehicle that handled like it was 10,000 pounds. The alignment was never quite right and the seats were less comfortable than the vinyl seats in the 1981 Chevy Sport Van my parent's bought after our 1979 Chevy Malibu. The Malibu was cool because they bought it brand new and I remember being at the dealer when we closed the deal. Also, this was pre-"we must save the children" America, and it was cool to sit in the "way back". Nowadays, letting your kids sit in the way back is grounds for a stint in county jail.

If I had to pick the one thing that bugged me the most about the Windstar it would be the doors that automatically locked themselves once the vehicle was moving. I hated that because every time I got out of the van and tried to open the back door to get my kids out I would have to hit the unlock button. Of course, my wife would knowingly hit that button about 1 second before I would. Irritating.

The beauty of this Chevy is, besides not feeling like I was driving a Penske 26 foot rental truck, not only does it lock the doors automagically for you when you start driving, it UNLOCKS the doors for you when it stops.

It UNLOCKS the doors for you??!! That's crazy. Why couldn't Ford think of that? I dunno. I suspect that they worked on the door lock/unlock code towards the end of a long holiday weekend (perhaps Thanksgiving) and then forgot what they had been working on when they came back in on Monday.

So far I have only one complaint with our new Chevy. It smells like cigarette smoke. Mixed with Febreeze. I don't really find the smoke smell offensive, until it is mixed with something else designed to "hide" it.

I didn't notice the odor until after we brought it home. During the test drive, I detected something a little "off". When I asked my son he acted like I was crazy. (sigh) My nose had been recently assaulted by the death scent of my truck. Not to mention that the Petersburg landfill was directly across the street from the used car lot and the dealer himself smoked in his building. So it was useless. Whatever. The smell will go away in the "crisp New England air" this weekend.

Kip Journal 3/25/1999

Kip's a little rusty with CGI


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Tip of the Day

Always be nice to your IT guy.

Holy Crapfish!

I googled "fishing james river" today and what did I find? Could it, could it be? YES. Haha. It is. Look closely and then compare.

You're famous, Rob.

Blogger Sucks

Yes, I realize it's free. But free is no excuse for suckage. I don't keep using it because it's free, but because I am too lazy to move somewhere else.

Dear Deer

At least once or twice a week during either my morning or evening commute there is a dead deer on the side of the road. One morning, one particular deer looked like it had exploded on the highway, the only distinguishable deer part was a patch of its hide the size of a doormat on the road, but there was blood and carnage everywhere.

Two days ago traffic suddenly slowed down which it does often, usually for no reason it seems, but that day there was a freshly killed deer carcass in the middle of the fast line and a Nissan Sentra in the breakdown lane with its emergency flashers on.

The thought that has been bugging me lately is, how come you never see bucks dead on the side of the road? It always seems to be does. A guy at work said it's probably because people stop and take the bucks for the antlers. Eh, I dunno. Maybe. But I doubt that people would take every dead buck.

This morning on the way to work, I leave my subdivision and drive down a little major road, to get to a major road, which in turn brings me on to the highway, and there a 100 feet from me down the street into another subdivision is a buck with a full set of antlers walking down the street.

Rob pointed out to me that its hunting season. So I assume the buck knew where he would be safe, which leads me to believe bucks are smart enough not to cross a 4 lane highway.

Fabulous Movie Reviews

King Kong
Three hours and 7 minutes! Are you kidding me? This movie could easily have been cut to two hours. Easily. I'm never afraid to watch a three hour movie, but sitting through this was just killing me. Yeah, the special effects were good, especially Kong fighting two Tyranosaurus Rex, and the story was good, but man, it just wasn't good enough to be 3 hours and 7 minutes long. I can't be the only one who thinks that. 3 stars out of 5.





Hotel Rwanda
Great movie. Great story. A mild tear jerker too if you're a woman or a man who is so inclined. Don Cheadle, who I remember most fondly from the movie Out of Sight, is excellent in the lead role. Speaking of Out of Sight, if you've never seen that, you should. It's based on an Elmore Leonard book, and unlike all of his other books it doesn't involve bumbling crooks from Detroit who steal a shipment of drugs in Miami from Colombians. The only downside of Out of Sight is Jennifer Lopez. My wife feels similarly about George Clooney which I can't understand why.

Anyway, the best part of Hotel Rwanda, besides people getting saved, is the fact that it proves that the genocide is clearly the fault of France and/or Belgium. Just like Vietnam. 4.2 stars out of 5 for Hotel Rwanda and 3.99 stars for Out of Sight.

J.D. Screw

Rumors are just rumors in the baseball off season and most never come true. I hope any and all rumors about the Sox signing J.D. Drew remain just rumors. The guys a stiff. And if they would give him 50 million bucks, then why not Johnny Damon? A guy who plays hard every game and doesn't miss half of every season with a groin or hamstring pull.

Here's someone more articulate than me waxing philosphic about the whole subject.

The irony of the situation to me is that I have always kind of considered Jeff Weaver and J.D. Drew to be very similar, wouldn't that be something if they BOTH ended up on the Red Sox next season!! yippee. I won't be watching.

51 Meellion Dollars

That's the number the Red Sox bid to gain the rights to sign a Japanese pitcher by the name of Hyundai Kawasaki. Just the right to bid on him, thats not counting the probable $50 million contract it will take to actually sign him. He might be great, who knows, but there has never been a dominant Japanese pitcher in the Major Leagues. Good ones, yes. Great ones, no. A hundred million bucks or one trillion yen could buy a first baseman, a closer, and two other starting pitchers. Eh. What do I care anyway, its not my money, nor my team since I am a Washington Nationals fan now. Just kidding.

In other news, congratulations to Hanley Ramirez for winning Rookie of the Year. You might remember him from such articles as Red Sox call up Craig Hansen, Hanley Ramirez and Top Ten Prospects: Boston Red Sox. But, oh, I forgot to mention, he won the National League Rookie of the Year. He's not with the Red Sox anymore. I had reservations about that trade at first, but because we got a good, young pitcher in the deal (Beckett) and we had EDGAR RENTERIA who turned out to be edgar renteria and most of us were convinced (or hoped at least) that he had just had an off year and would be a "force" to be "reckoned with" in '06. Then less than a month later, they trade Renteria away.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this crap, but I will stop here. It's just this Rookie of the Year award opening up old wounds and other stuff.

Marijuanahole

Yesterday while listening to a local talk radio show where they were discussing two new housing developments in the county where I now live, a woman called in and said that "Chesterfield county is nothing but a pothole" filled with "drug addicts" and "children who don't know there fathers" and that they should do more to improve the area than just building more housing units like adding an Applebee's.

Fruit Flies

I have fruit flies at work. I don't know where they are coming from, especially since I don't have a garbage can or keep any food in my desk. At my old job, fruit flies reminded me to empty my garbage. I can only imagine what the woman in the next cube is saying when I slap my hands together attempting to kill an elusive fruit fly. "Oh lordy lordy, what is that crazy white boy doin' now."

Smelly Truck Smelly Truck Why Are You So Smelly?

Saturday, it was in the upper 70s here, so on the way home from Rob's house that afternoon, the windows in my truck were down to enjoy the nice fresh air. Unfortunately, I forgot to roll them up and it rained Saturday night. A lot. I woke up Sunday morning to find a one inch puddle on the floor, water all over the dash, and of course the seats soaked up the rain like a sponge.

I've been sitting on towels all week, and now the truck smells awful. Like laundry that you washed but forgot to put in the dryer so it sat in the washing machine. Wet. For a week.

More Potty Humor

My apologies for all of the bathroom related posts, and I promise this will be the last one for a little while. You must understand its been 2 and a half years since I worked at a company that didn't have single sized bathrooms.

Again, the infamous crooked urinal. Today it dawned on me that the floor surrounding this urinal is always damp. Why? I wondered. Intrigued, I decided to hang out and watch the flush instead of doing the "flush and run" in order to see from where the water was leaking. A crack in the porcelain or maybe a leaky flush valve.

It turned out to be neither. The sheer amount of water released and the force of it, not too mention the urinal is not level, cause the urinal to "overflow its banks". Luckily, I was standing far enough away. Here's a diagram for those of you who are imaginationally retarded:

Let's Close this Deal, Right After I Wipe

A man was talking on his cellphone in the stall in the bathroom yesterday.

Wall Mounted Urine Collection Receptacle

One of the urinals in the bathroom at work wasn't mounted to the wall level, so "stuff" pools to one side. I don't know why I would notice something like that. I included a diagram for those of you who are imaginationally challenged.

Two for One Special Part 2

I paid 80 cents for a bag of Munchos today. The bag got stuck on a bag of Cheezits that were in the next slot. I tried shaking the machine to no avail. Faced with either marching a quarter mile to the cafeteria and getting my money back from the cashier or dropping another 80 cents into the machine for another bag of Munchos, I chose the latter. Luckily, I was rewarded with two bags of Munchos.

Please note, if I had been employed longer than three and a half weeks I would have just shook the machine more violently.

Aych Dee Tee Vee

I got a sign on bonus when I accepted my new job. I don't really think it was a bonus, per say, more like they felt bad that I asked for too little money when they asked for my salary requirement so they threw me a little pittance to make sure I stuck around for a year (I have to pay it back if do leave before a year, prorated). Anyway...I took that bonus and bought myself a 42 inch plasma TV. I really wanted a 40 inch LCD, but this thing was the cheapest 42 inch name brand HDTV that I have ever seen. It was a sale at Circuit City. The same TV at Best Buy was $500 more. Anyway...we plugged it in to the cable and lo and behold we get HD channels that we aren't paying for. Yippee! The picture quality is astounding. I flip back and forth between the HD channel and the SD channel and my jaw drops. Last Sunday's Patriots/Colts game was simply amazing. You can really see individual blades of grass. I don't know anybody else with an HDTV so I didn't realize the difference, so maybe I can convince someone else who is on the fence to take the plunge. DVDs look better too and component cables made a noticeable difference compared to the old fashioned RGB (I think thats what they are called, you know the red, yellow and white ones). I wonder what a DVD player with upconversion will look like.

Epiphany

Have you ever struggled for a day and a half with a problem, scoured the Interweb, poured over MSDN, desperately searched for a solution to a problem that you are convinced that someone else has solved and you find tons of stuff that kinda seem like it would help you but doesn't, then you finally give up and hopelessly begin to come up with your own solution which you end up doing within an hour? Yeah. I can't count how many times this has happened in the past 8 or so years. And each time I start this journey into the dark recesses of the Interweb message boards, I convince myself that this time will be different. It never is. I think part of me is afraid that some programming archeologist will come along in 10 years and look at the solution I came up with and laugh at it whilst saying to his colleagues, "Look at this. Can you believe this fool did it like this? What a simpleton."

Screw you, Mr. Near-Future-Programming Archeologist, my stuff works and ultimately I am just concerned with making my boss happy for the next 12 to 24 months, not creating the Parthenon or Mt. Rushmore.

I'm losing my mind.

New Harley

This thing is cool. I'd buy one in a heartbeat. Assuming it's not priced through the roof like so many other Harleys, the Street Rod included.

How DO you pronounce that?

I think it should be On - e - bol not Annabelle like some of the retarded Boston sports writers and WEEI hosts pronounce it.

An excerpt from an ESPN.com article (I'm not even going to comment, you can sense my rage I'm sure):

Here's one number that Suppan's agents, Leventhal and Damon Lapa, will be sure to sell: His 2.39 ERA after the All-Star break was the third lowest by a National League starter after Roger Clemens and Anibal Sanchez.

(Anibal Sanchez is a pitcher the Sox traded away...in case you didn't know)

Another:

Translation: He's a ground ball guy who pitches to contact, so he better have a solid infield defense behind him. And he might want to exhaust his other options before pursuing a job in, say, the American League East.

Yeah. He's tried that already. Let's just say, he sucked.

I love this one:

An American League executive expects Suppan to get three years and $21 million, "minimum." But if Matt Morris could fetch $27 million over three years last winter without Suppan's postseason portfolio, that estimate appears conservative. Don't forget that in 2004, Suppan beat Clemens in Game 7 to pitch the Cardinals into the World Series.

He also looked like a squirrel on the interstate in a game against the Sox in the World Series in '04. I thought National League pitchers had mad baserunning skillz?

This about Jeff Weaver in the same article:

"We first saw him and he was topping out at 88-89 and everybody was like, 'Is he hurt?' " said a National League coach. "All of a sudden, boy, he got stronger. He got the innings under him and started letting it go a little bit."

NO. It's more like, he is already a millionaire, but he got caught up in the excitement of the playoffs and decided to pour his booze down the drain, throw his weed in the fireplace and give his crystal meth to Goodwill.

I am going to SEO a little bit here in the off hand chance Mr. Jeff Weaver reads blogs or Googles himself. Jeff Weaver Jeff Weaver Jeff Weaver Jeff Weaver Jeff Weaver St Louis Cardinals Loser Pitcher Detroit Tigers First Round Draft Pick Who Is A Total Stiff Los Angeles Dodgers Pitcher Who Crys Like A Baby Jeff Weaver Sucks Jeff Weaver Sucks Jeff Weaver Is In It For The Money Jeff Weaver's Brother Is Better Jeff Weaver's Brother Sucks Too I Hate You Jeff Weaver Get A Haircut Jeff Weaver You Look Homeless Which Is Impossible Because You Made Millions For Doing Nothing Jeff Weaver Jeff Weaver

Oh yeah and shave once in a while too, you look like me. An overgrown man-boy who wishes he could grow a beard and look tough. You suck, Jeff Weaver.

Stephanie Root or Millie Waddams

There's a woman at work who is a dead ringer for Milton, the character from Office Space played by Stephen Root. Except for the glasses.

The few times I've needed to speak to her (she's a team leader and one of the data enterers(?) for whom I am building something), the millisecond I step into her cube she immediately minimizes all her windows. Today she was actually typing an email and as soon as I said, "Hello", BAM! down go all the windows before she even acknowledges me. And she doesn't hit the little "Show Desktop" icon either. Every window is minimized individually, and she's fast. A real pro.

Looth Tooth

My oldest son chipped his tooth today. Broke half of it off actually, diagonally from the bottom to the top. We were in the Walmart parking lot walking to the entrance and he walked right into a truck. I heard the hollow thunk of a blunt object hitting sheet metal. As I turned around my first thought was, oh crap, what kind of damage did one of my kids do? Immediately followed by, oh jeez, how the heck do you walk into the side of a truck when I saw the boy with his hand over his mouth. To, oh thats gonna cost me some money when he took his hand away.

I do feel bad for him. It looks really bad. Hopefully, we'll get it fixed early this week, but still, HOW THE HECK DOES SOMEONE DO THAT?!

Development Arrested

I bought all three seasons of Arrested Development on DVD a couple of weeks ago. I was staying at my brother's place and he hadn't gotten cable hooked up yet, so we needed something to watch. My wife and I just finished the last season last night. I hadn't seen the final episodes yet because they were taped and as often happens unlabeled VCR tapes get lost. I was pretty bummed out when the final credits started rolling. I got pretty attached to the Bluth family, especially since I had just watched all three seasons in the span of a month.

Everybody I've made watch this show has loved it which begs the question, why was it cancelled? Because Fox sucks. I loved the show but I missed half the episodes when originally aired because of their half-aced scheduling. How much more difficult was it for the casual viewer of the show to see it?

They seemed to hint of a movie in the last episode. I doubt it would happen, but it would be cool nonetheless.

This rant is pretty pointless, I know, since most of the ranting was done last winter when the show got cancelled, but, whatever.

Please Be Quiet

My daughter is in the kitchen coloring. I am here in the living room on the computer for the first time for any length of time in a couple weeks. She has not stopped talking for at least 45 minutes.

Two for One Special

You gotta love it when after sliding your precious dollar bill into a vending machine, two 20 ounce bottles of Coke fall down the chute. I looked furtively over my shoulder to make sure no one was looking before grabbing my bounty. Forty ounces of Coke (what Kip might call a scuba tank) for 1 dolla! Yes, I realize a 2 liter bottle at Wal-mart is 89 cents, but...it was two for one. It's the principle.

Weather

It was in the 60s and sunny today. That is all. Carry on.

Ever Seen a Naked Girl? In Person?

The very first day of work was a general orientation for new hires. I would guess there was about 40 of us in the room. Each table (about 7 or 9 people) had a group questionnaire they had to answer. One question was who has the most unusual hobby? I got the honors at my table, keeping tracking of the number of animals my cat killed the past year. Another guy at another table had a great one and is the purpose of this post.

He started out describing how he hand-paints miniature soldiers and he and some of his other like-minded friends have chess or Stratego type war games with them. Ok, that's kind of interesting I suppose. The instructor asked what time period he was interested in, Civil War, World War 2 or something else. The guy responded uh, no fantasy and science fiction. You could feel the entire room groan. The instructor surprisingly kept a straight face. The man then went into great detail about his characters and the "battles" he and his friends have enacted.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good science fiction or fantasy NOVEL, but that's where I draw the line. If you or someone you love has crossed that line, seek help. Immediately.

End of Week 2

So the end of Week 1 saw me getting an actual desk and a computer. Unfortunately my computer was pretty much useless to me other than as an email checking device because I did not have Administrator rights to it. Those were received Friday afternoon around 3. Hopefully, Week 3 will see me actually getting some work done.

I LOVE LSD!

Oops. I meant DSL. It's nice not to be on dial up anymore. My first official usage of my new bandwith? Downloaded the 4th episode of The Office from this season.

Yahoo?

I can't check my Yahoo mail at work. That really stinks. I just got a computer and a desk on Friday, although I have no useful software on it yet. I am handwriting all my code and dictating it to a coworker. Nah. I kid. Some of the recent new hires don't have desks or computers yet, so I feel privileged.

Old Chevy Obsession

In addition to a mid 1980s Buick Regal and 1970s Corvette, I've always wanted a late 1960s or early 1970s Chevy pick up.

This site I found has a lot for sale. And this one is my favorite. Too bad its a GMC, but other than the front grill there's not much difference.

Slow Recovery

I'm still a little sore from dodgeball on Sunday. My left butt muscle and my right shoulder.

Kip! Journal 3/19/1999

Kip used to only be able to bench 230, but then he started this intense endurance workout, and now he can do 260 maybe 275.

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Kip! Journal 3/18/1999

A LESSON IN KIP SPEAK

scuba tanks = 40 oz. bottles of malt liquor

"would basically" = where the crock of s!@# aspect of his story begins

EXAMPLES

"my wife would go out of town for a week and I would basically just drink whisky and have hookers over who..."

Back when Kip was in college on Friday nights he would go get a couple of scuba tanks

Another example here.

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The "C" Stands for Cheddar, Right?

I need to learn C# (for those who don't know, its called C Sharp, hence the cheddar joke. Sharp cheddar. haha. Go away if you don't find my lame humor funny.) for my new job. Can anybody recommend a good book?

America's Greatest Sport Besides Baseball

I played dodge ball yesterday. When I play I don't take it easy. I don't sit back by the wall like a sissy. I'm right up front. Eyes peeled. Every ball that comes my way I grab and huck back at the opposing team as hard as I can.

Fifteen minutes into the game I thought I was dying. I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding out of my chest and my head was filled with helium. Tunnel vision is a symptom of a heart attack, right? When did I get so old? I played through the pain though. That's what a man does.

I got hit square in the face too. It was a good old fashioned saliva and snot flying smack, too. In slow motion it would be reminiscent of Rocky getting pummeled by Clubber Lang or Apollo Creed. I'm not complaining about that, Buddha knows I've hit many kids, teens and adults in the face (many times on purpose), but I was a little embarassed that's all.

Today, my right shoulder can barely move. My hip joints are sore, and my left leg from the buttock down to the hamstrings is in P.A.I.N.

Again, when did I get so old? I need to start jogging or something.

Gagknee! on the Computer

When I first heard of Panic! at the Disco I immediately thought, "Wow what a clever name. Those guys are so clever." I mean, inserting a piece of punctuation where it doesn't belong and also subtley making fun of a genre of music that as far as I know hasn't been made fun of before. That's great. You guys rule.

No. Wait a minute. What am I saying? I never thought that. You suck. Get off my radio. Go back to playing high school dances in the midwest. If I hear your lilting effeminate voice and "slappy" drums one more time through my speakers I am going to stick the sharp end of multiple pencils in my ears, nose and throat. Maybe you and Snow Patrol and Fall Out Boy and Dashboard Confessional could have a Battle of the Bands or something. That would be far out.

I find solace in knowing that in a year or two you will join the ranks of other flavor of the day bands from various decades and be nothing but a joke that people will laugh about.

"Can you believe we actually listened to that crap?"

"Yeah, what were we thinking?"

I Just Crapped My Pants

I just realized my new job's payroll is semi-monthly. For a few seconds I had that confused with bi-monthly.

Kip Journal 3/15/1999

Kip knows AutoCAD

Kip prefers DOS over Windows

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Crisis Avoided

On moving day at 7:30 AM I had backed a pick up truck into my side yard to retrieve Rob's trailer from my back yard. While hooking up the trailer, Lurleen walks into my yard in her bathrobe to talk to me about bringing over the microwave stand we were giving them. All I could think about the whole time she was talking to me was that she was probably completely naked under that robe. It wasn't a happy thought. Thank God there was no breeze that day. The belt straining against her ample belly was thankfully double knotted.

Coincidentally...

Or incidentally or perhaps ironically, the company mentioned in this post is the one that hired me. A little Dickensian foreshadowing perhaps. Who knew I was such a literary genius?

Pale Dry Ginger Ale

I don't have much time to wrap up the Squamscot Soda testing, but I did manage to grab a bottle of the Pale Dry Ginger Ale last week.

It's very, very good.

Travelin' Riverside Blues

I've travelled back and forth to Richmond three times in two weeks. I'm wiped out.

More of The Experience

I forgot to mention on the flight down to Richmond at the Manchester airport I set off the metal detector twice and had to be pulled aside. No body cavities were probed, but I did have a man put his hand in my waistband. The culprit? A piece of foil in my pocket. For making electrical connections in an explosive device or keeping candy fresh. One or the other.

I was also able to narrowly (pun intended) avoid The Experience this weekend too. Driving with my wife one night last week on Haven Hill Rd in Somersworth/Rochester, which is the road that connects 108 to Salmon Falls Rd. and has a railroad bridge running over it which is notoriously narrow and low, I said to her, "I better not try to take the moving van down this road. It won't fit."

Sunday afternoon I'm driving down this road in the moving van and as I approach the bridge I think to myself, "I hope that there aren't any cars coming in the other direction, we won't both fit." Immediately following that thought was, "You idiot! That's an 11 foot bridge and you are driving a 12 foot truck! Don't you remember telling your wife just a few days ago you wouldn't be able to drive down this road. You idiot!"

One 18 point turn later and I was headed back towards 108 to head for the much safer Whitehall Rd.

Kip Journal 3/12/1999

Kip's stories frequently involve his friends. Who are these people?

Read the Kip Journal FAQ

The Kip Journal FAQ

Who is Kip?

Kip is a guy I worked with at the Help Desk at Cabletron Systems for about a year spanning 1998 and 1999

Is Kip his real name?

No. I love to give people nicknames, and this one is a shortening of Kipling, as in Rudyard Kipling, because Kip tells great stories. I get a lot of blank stares when I tell people the origin of his nickname. It bothers me not. It's funny to me.

What is his real name?

That I will not tell you, other than his last name is Polish.

What is this journal?

Kip's stories were so numerous and so outrageous, I wanted to be able to save them for posterity. I shared the Journal feature in my Outlook with several other people at the Help Desk and we would all record the things that Kip said in it, for all to enjoy. I lament for the many stories I missed BJ (before Journal), but such is life.

Did you make some of this stuff up?

Absolutely not. Everything contained in the Kip journal is 100 percent true. Kip either said it or did it.

Are they direct quotations?

Direct quotations are enclosed in quotes and will typically start with "I". Everything else will be in the 3rd person. It breaks up the monotony to occasionally use a direct quote. Sometimes we will tell a story about something he did that was funny or make a simple observation. I leave you to differentiate.

Do you embellish the entries that aren't direct quotes?

Absolutely not. And I hate you for asking. Honestly, we didn't have to embellish.

I'm confused, sometimes you mention another guy named Kip.

That's not a question.

Who is this other Kip you mention from time to time?

The "other" Kip was one of the guys who had access to the Journal and we were friends with. He did not work at the Help Desk at that time. We convinced Kip that this guy was the Kip that we were forever making jokes and disparaging remarks about. It led to some funny moments where the real Kip would make fun of the fake Kip, and we would laugh not because the real Kip was super funny but because the real Kip was super dumb.

Are you ever afraid that Kip will find out about this Journal and take out his alcoholic, bong water fueled revenge on you?

I live life on the edge, and sometimes that gets a little scary. I expect that. I relish that.

Do you believe in Karma?

No.

I hope this FAQ has been helpful ~ Gagknee

So, Tell Me About Yourself

Well, I'm a straightforward kind of guy who prefers direct questions to open-ended ones.

A company flew me down to Richmond yesterday for an interview. I haven't flown in a few years and not much at all in my life, but I wasn't nervous about the actual flying. It was the fear of the "Andy being Andy Experience" that had my stomach in knots.

The "Andy being Andy Experience" could be defined as anything that I seem to do wrong at the worst possible time. Anything from just plain being late, to losing my keys or wallet, getting lost, not following instructions, or losing a contact. On the last trip to West Virginia, the Experience that weekend was more concentrated evil than at any other time in history.

The first leg of my journey was Manchester to La Guardia. What a dump that place is. I didn't venture past my gate, sitting for 45 minutes in a chair doing nothing hoping to keep the Experience gods at bay.

La Guardia to Richmond. Now Richmond, that's a nice airport. I didn't dawdle though and went straight to the baggage claim area to find the limo driver who was picking me up.

Fifteen minutes past and I started to sweat. I walked around a bit. Looked outside. Sweated some more. The decision to walk back up towards the gates was made. Woohoo! There's the limo guy. The Experience avoided. Just barely. I must have just walked right past him in my rush to get to the baggage claim area. My efforts to thwart The Experience almost resulted in direct contact with The Experience. Oh, you are a tricky one aren't you, god of Experience.

On to the interview. I met up with the manager and a manager friend of his and we went to lunch. Strangely enough, we all ordered reubens, except I opted for pastrami on mine in order to avoid being a total copycat. The reubens were excellent. Sometimes you get a reuben and it ends up being a big pile of soggy bread and kraut on your plate, but not these. This portion of the interview was pretty casual. I asked a ton of questions and so did they. I was relaxed and it went well.

Next up on the agenda was to sit with another programmer. This too went well. The hour past quickly. We had a lighthearted discussion about the merits of multidimensional arrays and how Northsiders look down upon Southsiders. This refers to people who live north of Richmond and those who live south of Richmond. Unfortunately, I will be a southsider. Great. Two strikes against me (the first being that I am from the North) and I haven't even moved there yet.

The third interview was with a woman from the business side of things having nothing to do with technology at all. After 10 minutes, she declared that she had no more questions for me and told me to accompany her outside while she smoked. Then we sat in her cube for 40 minutes while she checked her email.

The last two people I met with were senior managers who were obviously too busy to talk to me, but they diligently fired questions at me for 15 minutes and then shuffled me off.

All in all, it went well, and now I could relax because The Experience couldn't hurt me anymore.

On the way home, at the Philadelphia airport, also a pretty nice place as far as airports go, I had a sandwich from Chick-fil-A, my first time ever. Holy CRAP! Good stuff.

So, Uh, How Yuh Been?

Life's been busy the past week and a half or so effectively quashing any creative abilities I have.

Tuesday of last week, the wife and I drove down to Richmond, to look for a place to live. We had one house in mind and a bunch of townhouses and apartments. Upon our arrival we went and did a drive-by of the house before we called the landlord. It was a great house, from the outside, in a nice neighborhood, on a cul-de-sac, with a fenced in wooded backyard.

We called the landlord and left him a message, then we went around looking for the townhouses and apartments. I won't go into details about all of the ones we looked at, except I will say that the first complex we went to was ghetto. I got discouraged because this is not what I had envisioned moving my family into. It all worked out though because a few hours later the landlord called us back and we ended up renting the house.

The ride home was just lovely. I had been up for 40 hours, about 24 of that sitting in a van. Eventually, I had to let my wife drive. It's nothing against her, I just have a phobia about letting other people drive me. I couldn't sleep, but later on I attempted to drive again. Bad idea. Hallucinating while traveling at 70 mph is bad. The only other time I started hallucinating while driving was during a trip to Texas. That time I saw Jesus and Mary dancing on the highway. This time the windshield was fogging up and I could only see through a tiny hole. Of course, it wasn't really. I stopped at a rest area and reluctantly let my wife drive. I crashed hard and slept all the way until we got on 495.

New England Blend

Brewed my first pot of Starbucks coffee the other day. It was mighty fine. I had a crude joke to make right now, but I have decided against it. I apologize.

Huh?

I applied for a job today to which I received two automated response emails within 9 minutes of each other. The first thanked me for applying but said their hiring process was highly competitive and they have narrowed their choices down to other candidates who more closely fit the requirements. Okay, that's cool. Nine minutes later I receive another email (from a different address) saying that they have forwarded my information to the hiring manager and will contact me.

Sounds like Cabletron. Maybe I've found my new home!

Quick and Dirty Movie Reviews

Donnie Darko - What the?? Who the?? How the?? 2 stars out of 5.








The Twilight Samurai - If a Japanese movie about life as a mid 19th century widower petty samurai complete with subtitles with little to no sword fighting action is your idea of a good time then this movie is for you. I was expecting a LOT of swordplay. I was severely disappointed. But it was free from the library. A lot of things can be excused if they are free. Dinner at Red Lobster. A couch. A haircut. It was a pretty good movie with a well written story, and it wasn't Donnie Darko. That alone gets it some extra points. 2.79 stars out of 5.

City of God - Quite simply, one of the best movies I have ever seen. Also subtitled, which was annoying only because it distracted me from the excellent cinematography, it is set in the slums of Rio De Janeiro and follows the life of two boys, one good and one bad. This movie was free but not from the library, I had a credit at the video store, so there is no .25 added to its score. This 4.8 stars out of 5 is all natural. Pure West.



Oops. I forgot one.

Walk the Line - It was interesting but it didn't really portray just how cool Johnny Cash was. Maybe he wasn't as cool as I think. Too bad he was a philanderer and a junkie, but isn't everyone in show biz? Anyway, Wah-keen Fee-nicks did a fine job and so did the young lady cuter than a baby chimp wearing a diaper, Reese Witherspoon. 3.1 stars out of 5.

Stop! This is the POLICE! Put down that garage!

Garage reported stolen recovered, police say

In the News

The chili I ate two days continues to wreak havoc across my intestines...Back to you Maria.

Kip Journal 3/11/1999

At Kip's old job his bosses took an annual trip to Hawaii. All the employees would basically just drink and play poker the whole time.

Funny Trick

If I was a bank teller, while processing a customer's transaction, I would make a lot of fake mouse clicks while staring sternly at the screen for a few minutes. Then I would abruptly leave and go into the manager's office, close the door, and strike up a conversation about some current hot topic sure to raise my boss's ire and make him or her raise their voice and wave their arms in frustration or anger (this would work best in an office with glass windows where the customer could see), while I would occasionally, but discreetly, point out to the lobby. Then I would march back to my station at the counter, and smile at the customer and say, "Have a nice day."

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Looking for a job has got to be one of the worst aspects of life as a normal, productive member of society. I feel like I am standing against the fence at recess waiting to be picked for kickball. Never anybody's first choice, but never ever the last either. Oh well, at least I don't have to wait in line hoping and praying for somebody to plummet to their death like the people trying to get a job on the Golden Gate Bridge when it was being built during the Depression. Oh yeah, and I am currently employed, so at least I don't that kind of pressure either. Oh and I do have skills. Its not like I spent the last 8 years working at the Clam Hut.

Can you estimate for me how long it will take?

Well, let’s see. 6 hours of actual work, plus 2 hours for the meeting to discuss the plan. 1 hour meeting to actually plan. 1.5 hour meeting to recap the plan. Half hour meeting to confirm the plan and make any last minute changes. 3 hour meeting at the halfway point to discuss whether the plan needs to modified, and if so, schedule another 1 hour meeting to discuss those changes. 2 hour meeting after the work is done to discuss if we did it the right way. 1 hour meeting to discuss when to release it. 3 hour meeting after the release to discuss how to modify it again because one customer doesn’t like it. 1 hour meeting to make a plan to change the current release. 3 hours to make that change...etc, etc.

Have you ever...

Talked in your sleep, sleep walked, or maybe dreamed of standing in front of a urinal only to awaken to a sudden spreading warmth? Well, last night, I spit in my sleep. I vaguely remember dreaming of being in some sort of showdown, and I spit in the dream to show my disdain for my opponent. I awoke instantly to a warm slippery mess of saliva running down my neck.

Inferiority or Superiority

My daughter just had her 4 year old check up at the doctor. No surprise, but she is in the 90th percentile for height. Her little brother, a self-described "shorty pants", was recently bumped up to the 25th at his recent 18th month appointment. This was exciting because up until that point he has spent his entire life languishing in the 5th percentile. The oldest, while I don't know where he technically ranks amongst his peers, is perpetually among the shortest in his classes, sports teams, etc.

Now, I am trying to guess in the coming years who is going to have the bigger complex, the teenage girl who is taller than both her brothers, or her midget brothers who have to get their sister to defend them.

Why must you hurt me?

I take care of you. I change your oil, and give you new spark plugs. You never want for a new air filter, and your brakes, they've never squealed. Are you shod in retreads? No, its nothing but the finest. Goodyear Wranglers for you ,my dear. A quality sound system is in your dash, and thick rubber floormats protect your rugs. So why must you be so difficult? Why didn't you start this morning? I was just taking you to the garage for an inspection. I wouldn't let another man get under your hood, I swear. Oh? Whats this now? I haven't fixed the rust spot on your front left fender and the scrape on your tailgate? I told you before, I'm busy and I don't know how to do body work. I work hard to buy you all the things you need. You could help me out a little by cutting back on the old gasoline, you know. What? OH. That is SO like you. How many times do I have to say I am sorry for not changing your oil until 4000 miles last year? Let it go. It was the dead of winter and it was cold. That's it. Forget it. This discussion is over.

This Date in History

Happy 10th Anniversary Steph.

Apparently, the metal associated with the 10th anniversary is tin. I should be able to swing that. I think I saw a Diamonique tin ring with matching tin earrings on QVC last night.

Maple Cream

In lieu of another review about Squamscot soda, I leave you to ponder the lyrics to The Final Countdown by Europe.

We're leaving together,

But still it's farewell

And maybe we'll come back,

To earth, who can tell?

I guess there is no one to blame

We're leaving ground

Will things ever be the same again?



It's the final countdown...



We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all

With so many light years to go and things to be found

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so.

What? Can't Hear You.

Nothing drowns out the phones ringing, The Veeg®'s stories of sex with her barely legal boyfriend, my bosses whiny nasally monotone, and another girl's violent cubicle shaking sneezes like a little System of a Down on ye olde iPod.

You Make Me Proud

In light of the recent hate crime perpetrated at work, I decided against putting a test student's primary language in the system as Engrish.

Fabulous Movie Review

Saw II

I'll just come right out and say it, I was very disappointed in Saw II. It's an okay movie, but the acting was pretty poor at times. It used a lot of standard issue horror movie clichés and just threw more blood in the mix to distract us. A lot of the traps in the house weren't as imaginative as what was portrayed in the first movie either. I would have liked more time developing the characters trapped in the house and less banter between Jigsaw and the detective.

The ending did have a good twist though, and I still think it was a much better horror than most others I have seen. 3.14159265 stars out of 5.

Sucker Fruit Punch Bowl

Tried the Fruit Bowl flavor of Squamscot soda today and I was expecting more mediciney aftertaste delight ala Black Cherry and Strawberry, but that wasn't the case. It was actually good. Just like fruit punch with ginger ale in it. The most inoffensive and therefore most common large gathering drink known to man. The only thing missing was the rainbow sherbet.

Fabulous Movie Review

Saw

Always dismissed by me as some silly slasher flick geared toward brain dead teenagers, I have no idea what prompted me to watch this movie. Maybe it was the 7.6 rating it has on IMDB, or because the Dread Pirate Roberts starred in it. Maybe I just wanted a good old fashioned scare, or perhaps I secretly hoped the 60 year old man with the handlebar mustache at the video store would think I was cool. The point is, I am an indecisive man prone to whimsy and unpredictable behaviour.

Expecting the worse, I was pleasantly surprised. Saw actually has a plot. An interesting plot. To be honest, it wasn't what I expected at all. Not as disturbing or gory or scary as I had believed, it was no worse, in my estimation, than Silence of the Lambs. Whoa whoa whoa, I am NOT saying it is as good a movie as SotL! Just that it is not any more horror inducing, probably less in fact.

As my brother correctly pointed out, Saw did get a little overdramatic at the end, but it still earned 4 stars out of 5.

Motorhead

Somehow, despite the fact that I have not worked on anything mechanical in at least a month, I just discovered that I have two motor oil stains on my good work jeans. Nothing is safe.

That Explains A Lot

Or nothing at all. I dunno.

Apparently Big A's wife is a Juggalo or fan of Insane Clown Posse.

Fabulous Movie Review

The Matador
Have you ever known someone who was a little odd in a weird sort of way, but wasn't really too bad of a person, and they just seemed to latch on to you and considered you their best friend even though you went out your way to avoid them and maybe were even a little mean to them at times? Yeah? I'm glad you finally admitted it. All these years and I just wanted you to like me. Well, it's too late now. I'm moving on and you are just outta luck, pal.

Remember the "jackass" guy from Happy Gilmore? He's kinda like that and so is Pierce Brosnan in this movie. Except Brosnan also happens to be a hit man or a "facilitator of fatalities". Greg Kinnear is the guy that Pierce Brosnan's character, Julian Noble, befriends in a bar in Mexico. Remember Kinnear from Talk Soup? See, your dreams can come true in Hollywood. As long as you are willing to sell your soul.

This is a really good movie. It's funny, but I wish they had gone a little more overboard with Brosnan's character. Made him a little bit sleazier. I suppose there is a reason for that though. The creators of the movie wanted us to be able to feel sorry for him. If he had been any worse of a human, then I don't think that would have been possible. Brosnan is excellent as the anti-Bond. When this movie hits the $7.50 rack at Walmart, I will probably buy it.

Now, I am going to do something unprecedented. To me, this movie is a B+ or about 3.75 on my scale if my 3rd grade math skills are correct. This puts me in an unfortunate position, because I recently gave About Schmidt, a movie I did not enjoy as much as this one, would not watch again, and certainly never buy, that same exact rating. I am taking away About Schmidt's rating. The 3.75 becomes a 2.75 + .25 for being free from the library, for a 3. This movie, The Matador, gets 3.8 stars out of 5.

Strawberry = Not Good

As previously mentioned, Strawberry was the next Squamscot soda to be tested. Similar to Black Cherry in that the first few sips are sweet and delicious, it also tested mediciney after half the bottle was consumed. I don't know about you but "mediciney" does not fill me with love and happiness and an insatiable passion for doing good works for my fellow man. Although two bottles of this were purchased, only one has been drank so far. I usually like to wait at least 24 hours in between times of making myself ill on purpose.

Really, what I should do is bump Strawberry and Black Cherry down to the very bottom of the ranking list and move Birch Beer and Ginger Beer up simply because they have "beer" in their names. I've always felt bad about the raw deal that Ginger Beer got and I would like to make amends.

Ooo. I can't wait until I try Fruit Bowl. Its sure to be a delicious concoction. Yeah.

Poor Little Fellas

It's a good thing we aren't having any more kids because having this laptop on my lap night after night can't be healthy for the millions of future Andys of America swimming below.

America "Runs" on Dunkin

Speaking of celebrity voiceovers, have you noticed who is doing the new Dunkin Donuts commercials? John Goodman. I don't think he "runs" on anything. More like walk. Listening to his voice while a sausage sandwich appears on the screen doesn't make me want to go out and get one. It makes me want to get a bowl of raisin bran and then go jogging. He's got that voice echo going on like Andre the Giant too where his throat is so large everything he says reverberates and by the end of the sentence you can't figure out what he said. Honestly, I can't believe he is still alive. To this day, thinking of he and Roseanne getting romantic on the TV show of the same name makes me curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb while mumbling "Oh god no" over and over. Why would I be thinking of that? Why does a Vietnam vet become suddenly paralyzed by past memories of tunnels in the jungle? It's not a choice, its a curse.

Friday Night Rentals

My new Netflix selections won't arrive in time for the weekend, so I'll be heading to Hollywood Video after work. I'm leaning towards The Matador, but really I am kind of undecided because I have no idea whats out there. Any suggestions?

Whoops

Apparently, I haven't logged into my Hotmail account for 30 days. Apparently, if you don't login for 30 days they wipe out everything, mail, folders, everything. Now, I don't use that account much anymore (obviously) but wiping out stuff that I had saved for 10 years is a little annoying. I couldn't even tell you what I had saved, but just knowing that I did have stuff in there bugs me.

Oh yeah, and if you've emailed me in the past 30 days to that address, um, sorry, I didn't get your email. I have a Yahoo mail account. Send any emails to that address in the future. It's the same, just replace hotmail with yahoo in the address.

Heat: It's About the Police

You might be wondering what my title means. I am watching the movie Heat right now. One of my all time favorites. My daughter just woke up and asked me what I was watching. "Heat" was my response which got me a "What?". I had to quickly explain to her what the title meant.

A few interesting things to note about Heat, Hank Azaria, voice of Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Frink, etc. plays the extra marital love interest of Val Kilmer's wife and a stool pigeon. Also, Tone Loc, performer of the most recited rap song of all time, Wild Thing*, is a snitch in the film. I got to thinking with all of the "celebrities" who do voice overs for commercials these days why hasn't he done one yet? That voice is cool and instantly recognizable to anyone. Come to think of it, he probably already has and I just don't remember.

Al Pacino and Robert De Niro are paired together for the first time I believe, and in my opinion Pacino overacted just a bit during the movie, especially in the first half, except for the scene where the two of them are talking to each other in a diner. Brilliant. De Niro has always been one of my favorites anyway.

Crap! I just realized my brother has The Deer Hunter. I would watch that next if it was here. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels coming right up. It's a shame that Guy Ritchie fell into the black bottomless hole pit of Madonna's um, private parts, and he won't ever make a good movie again.

Wow. The greatest gunfight in a movie ever.

This post goes into the category of "Inane Babbling". If my wife was here all of this is what I would be talking about. Aren't you lucky?

Man, I wish I had some popcorn.

*Bust A Move by Young MC is 2nd followed by Girls Ain't Nothin But Trouble by the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. It's too bad the Fresh Prince's wife doesn't let him play with Jazzy Jeff anymore.

Free Katie!

Hahahahahahaha. You suck Tom Cruise.

I firmly stand by my pledge to never watch another movie starring Tom Cruise.

I don't really care about Katie either. Just so you know.

Blame it on The Veeg

I didn't do it. I SWEAR. The only thing I have done in the course of testing the software is make fun of Mexicans. That's it!

Hi team,

It was brought to my attention today that during a Case-e demo, text in Case-e was displayed on a big screen that read something to the effect of "to fix this child so he can act like a human being". Those aren't the exact words, but that's not important. What is important is that each of us remembers that we are always dealing with a product that is shown to potential clients and that audience is extremely sensitive to disparaging remarks made about special education students in general.

The only reason I say The Veeg did it is because, as she has informed us ad nauseum, she has a master's degree and used to be a teacher. And as we all know only a teacher* could be so casually sarcastic about and display such blatant disregard for the feelings of her students. Plus, she's a moron who doesn't think before she says or writes anything. Oh wait, I just described myself. I DIDN'T DO IT!

*Except music teachers

Fabulous Movie Review

About Schmidt
Library pickings are getting slim. I have avoided this movie for years, although I always knew at some point me and Schmidt would meet.

This movie is like Fight Club except its geared towards older and more sensible people, plus there's no fighting, except when Schmidt slaps his best friend around for sleeping with his wife during the Carter administration.

Dealing with issues that men of all ages face, not just those in an advanced age, I'm not really sure how to describe About Schmidt. It's not a comedy, but it does have funny parts, like when he tells us that his wife forces him to pee sitting down. Also, his description of "this old woman in my bed" is hilarious.

Quirkiness would be another attribute of this film, except that if you are going to be quirky you have to go all out into Wes Anderson territory to really make it work. Partial quirkiness, like partial nudity, is just a tease and a crime.

It ain't a drama either, that's for sure. It must be a Quamedy. That's it.

I watched this movie during the rain delay and in between innings of last nights Sux game. When the movie was over, my first reaction was "About Time". Haha. Get it? But thinking back on it now, having divorced myself from the train wreck and emotional abuse that is the 2006 Boston Red Sox, I realize that it wasn't half bad. Some of those characters were really interesting and weird. Still, I wish they had descended into pure unadulterated quirkiness and not just flirted with Quirky's ugly sister.

Many thanks go out to my brother for warning me about the Kathy Bates nude scene which I was able to skip over without causing permanent retinal damage.

Um, gee, I've rambled on quite a bit about a movie I hated at 1 am last night. 3 stars out of 5.

Rating was changed on 8/31/2006 from 3.75 to 2.75 (plus .25 for being free from the library) because on further comparison to other movies with a similar rating it just didn't seem to cut the cheese, I mean mustard.

What does the "S" stand for?

Quite frankly, the worst smelling and worst tasting hot dogs ever, bar none.

Colahhhhhhhhh

Squamscot soda testing has kind of fallen by the wayside lately, but I did manage to stop by Calef's on Sunday and grab myself a bottle of Cola.

Cola. Cola. Cola. What can I say about the Cola? Not much. I don't think I would ever buy it again. Why would I when there is Coca-Cola sitting on the shelf 6 inches away from it for the same price but containing 8 more ounces. Coke is it, people, and you can't beat the real thing. Now, if only it came in a glass bottle.

Sux

I have only one thing to say about the Red Sox/Yankees games over the weekend. What the @#!% was Joe Torre drinking in the dugout? I mean, it was a water bottle, Poland Springs I believe, but it definitely didn't contain water. Unless it was water from the Charles River blessed by a priest, but it looked more like urine or dip spit.

Update: Ok, I do want to say one thing about the games this weekend. Specifically, last nights game. Why the [beep] wasn't Papel[beep]bon brought in to [beep] start the [beep] 8th inning?? He was [beep] rested. We [beep] had to [beep] win that [beep] game. Instead, he still [beep] had to [beep] the whole [beep] inning, but with the [beep] bases [beep] loaded. A [beep] impossible [beep] situation. [beep]. [beep]. [beep]. I'm just glad I'm not as emotionally invested in this season as I have in the past.

Funtown and Creepy Men

The "man" recently arrested for killing JonBenet just plain looks like a pedophile. He oozes child molester. If I saw him in my neighborhood, first I would write a funny blog post about him, then I would tell my family to stay away from him, and if he tried to engage any of us in conversation I would have my cat rip his throat out.

So, anyway, I told you that because of my trip to Funtown/Splashtown on Saturday. It was my first time going there. I assumed it was lame, because it's in the state of Maine and that they had legislation requiring you to wear full face helmets on every ride. Anyway, they have this attraction in the Splashtown side of things called Pirate's Paradise. It's primarily for kids, but there were some adults who dared brave the icy water with their kids, myself included, but there was one heavyset 40ish guy wearing turqoise shorts and a polo shirt who just didn't belong there. He spent about 30 minutes working the controls to a valve that sprayed water out of the floor every time someone walked by. He avoided the dads of course. Creepy.

I couldn't stay in Splashtown very long, it was just too cold. The kids didn't seem to mind it too much. The one waterslide I really enjoyed was the black tube. It was total darkness on the way down and a lot of fun. The lack of a more exciting slide like Water Country's Geronimo was disappointing. Perhaps in the future they will add an attraction like that.

On the Funtown side of things, only two rides really matter much to me. The Dragon's Descent and the Excalibur. The Dragon's Descent is a 220 foot tower where you are brought to the top, hung up in the air to enjoy the views for about 10 seconds, and then dropped. It's a completely different feeling from any other ride I have ever been on and I loved it. Hats off to Johnny, a 9 year old kid who went on it twice with my brother and I, and my nephew who went on it once. Truth be told I wouldn't have had the guts to do that at 9. Canobie Lake has a similar ride called the Starblaster, although its not as tall, and they shoot you to the top and you freefall instantly as opposed to the Dragon's Descent's gradually climb and pause at the top. Since I haven't tried the Starblaster I can't say which I prefer but my guess is the Dragon's Descent just for the height factor alone.

The Excalibur is a wooden roller coaster, but its new, having been built in 1998. It's not my favorite coaster of all time, but it beats the Yankee Cannonball at Canobie lake hands down.

Funtown also has the requisite Log Flume ride and a Galaxi roller coaster which they describe as "Maine's most exciting -- and breathtaking roller coaster." Hahahahaha...Excuse me. Here is a little more information about Galaxi coasters. I know that Canobie took theirs down, but maybe we could start a grassroots effort to save and preserve these legends of amusementdom. Or maybe you and I could go on a tour of the country and ride on every one of these beauties still standing and operable. Oh the stories we could tell! Hahaha ahahahaha.

Funtown is a good alternative to having to deal with the homies from Lowell that descend upon Canobie Lake every weekend. While it doesn't have the quantity of rides, its big money rides are as good or better than what Canobie has.

SMACK!

Don't send me an email and then 10 seconds later pop your head over the cubicle walls like an office gopher, repeat my name like a 4 year old until I respond, and ask if I got your email.

W for Wevenge

V for Vendetta
V for Vendetta stars the boyishly good looking Natalie Portman who inadvertently gets swept up in the cause of V, a government genetic experiment who is out for revenge. I think that sums it up. The movie is set in the future in London under a totalitarian regime that believes homosexuals are the world's greatest evil. Besides that message being beaten into our heads a few times, because, well, you know with people like Bush and Blair in power its bound to happen, although far more likely if someone like, oh, I dunno, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was to drop a bomb on the U.S., this was an excellent movie.

I highly recommend it to all my various friends: deadheads, metalheads, potheads, seamheads, muscleheads, boneheads, techheads, motorheads, *heads, geeks, freaks, nerds, dweebs, intellectuals, dimwits, narcissists, felons, ne'erdowells, good ones, bad ones, best ones and any other kind of friend I left out. All can enjoy this movie. It's that good. This I promise you. 4.3333333333 stars out of 5.

Funny Comic

About terrorists.

My Son's a Junkie

The youngest boy, now a year and a half old, has a quickly expanding vocabularly. Two of his newest words are truck and his universal word for snack, "crack" or "crackcrack". He started using that word when asking for crackers, but it has evolved into being used for anything that he wants to eat. Sometimes he will even surprise us by coming out with sentences, "I'm all done", for example.

Yesterday I was on the phone and he was desperately trying to get some saltwater taffy that was on the counter. Reaching up as far as he could with both arms, repeating "crackcrack" over and over, pulling on my pant leg, and even getting a small stool for reaching even farther.

I hung up the phone, turned around and looked at him. He looked up at me and said as clear as day, "I need crack."

Jimmie Jones

I got kicked in the jimmies last night. It wasn't a devastating nut cruncher delivered by a kung fu master, but it hurt nonetheless. A lot. I had forgotten how much it does hurt, because I had made it my life's goal to avoid getting kicked in the jimmies at all cost, but it's good to experience it now and again, you know, to keep one grounded and reminded about his raison d’être.

[sigh] I read other people's blogs and I am amazed at how articulate and thoughtful they are and then I come here and post this. Oh, I've sunk to a new low. Like Adam Sandler in Little Nicky.

I'm a Junkie

I ran out of instant coffee yesterday (yes, I like instant coffee, don't judge me, man) and I swished a little water in the jar to get the last remaining bits of coffee powder out.

My Fabulous Artwork

Scared Vegan Dog by Gagknee
















From Angry to Sad to Scared. The vegan dog's emasculation (or is it ecanination) is complete.

Sorry Kid

Some people peak in high school and spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate their accomplishments on the football field or living vicariously through their children. Others are more lucky, throwing off the shackles of repression placed on them by overbearing parents or lack of self-esteem in their late twenties or early thirties, but for you little baby I'm afraid to say that your life has peaked. It will never get any better than this.

Kip Journal 3/8/1999

Kip quote: "Alcoholism isn't a disease, its a good idea"

Kip said we should have Rob2's display phone changed so that it says "Kip Winger"

[This was part of the successful ploy to make Kip believe that the Kip we talked about out loud and in front of him (ex. Me: "Man, that Kip is a dink." Actual Kip: "Yeah, I can't stand Kip either") was Rob2. Ed.]

Kip said that he prefers bottled beer because keg beer tastes like dishwater.

Mel, Mel, Mel...

One of the things I learned early on in my life is when arrested keep your mouth shut. The only exception being words of humility such as "Sir" and "Thank you". That whole "right to remain silent" thing? Learn it, love it, live it.

Company Pic-a-nic

Last Friday was my company's annual picnic. The last few years it always involved 9 holes of golf in the morning and then everyone would meet at Fort Foster in Kittery for a cookout (and free lobster).

The problem with the 9 holes of golf in the morning is that golf by design is exclusionary, not family oriented, only truly enjoyed by pale white men over 50 and "golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass". The other thing with playing golf is that I feel guilty for leaving my wife alone to get the kids ready for the afternoon picnic. I mean if I am going to feel guilty for something I would much rather have it be for riding my ATV, not for something I hate, like golf. That's like wasting one of the wishes from your monkey paw on world peace.

This year's morning festivities did not involve golf however. Well, it did actually. Miniature golf or to those true losers out there, the driving range. Perhaps I am too harsh. You are not a loser if you go to a driving range, but you are a loser if you go to the driving range when you have two hours of unlimited go kart riding, batting cages, and video games as an option.

Having the morning portion of the company picnic at The Hilltop Fun Center was pure genius. It kind of reminded me of when I was a kid and my dad's company picnic was always at Canobie Lake Park except that there is no roller coaster at HFC or a Turkish Twist or any other ride design to make a person sick and/or dizzy. I've always thought that "Hilltop Fun Center" was a boring name too. Anytime the word "center" is used in the name of a place of business or house of worship it makes me cringe. It's too clinical and dry and boring. Hilltop Fun Center is even worse because it attempts to mate the words "fun" and "center". It's an unholy union. A crime against nature. Cousins marrying cousins. "Center" should only be used by medical type places. The John J. Johnson Cancer Center. The Smith Center for Oozing Skin Infections. Center for Human and Animal Genetic Hybrids. Anyway, it was fun. And I am glad we had that instead of golf. Truly.

The cookout portion was pretty uneventful. I mean, what can you say about free lobster. Not much. It speaks for itself. I love to eat large steamed insects. Covered in butter.

I do have a couple of pictures though.

The Veeg's boyfriend looks like he needs a steak or three. I wanted to overpower him (actually I would have left that task up to my 9 year old son), puree a pound of medium rare ribeye and dump it down his throat. At one point I was overwhelmed with fear*, The Veeg's eyes became glazed over and I thought for a second she might take a bite out of him. Remember the cartoon where the two guys are stranded on an island and they imagine each other as a large hot dog or hamburger? Yeah. I knew I had seen the look she had in her eye before.





This picture is self-explanatory, but I will explain it anyhow. Yellow shorts?!? What manner of abomination is that? You deserve to be kidnapped and left in the South Bronx. With a Red Sox hat on. And an "I can't...I'm Mormon" t-shirt.

Speaking of Mormon t-shirts. Be a real pal and buy your best friend one of these for his birthday.









*I wasn't really afraid. Fear implies some sort of emotional investment. I have no emotional investment in The Veeg or her underage former student boyfriend. Speaking of former students why is it that The Veeg is not a teacher anymore and no longer utilizes the Masters degree of which we are reminded on a daily basis that she has?